Bucket List- Summer 2011- update

Publish the book

White Water Rafting

Volunteer at the hospital

Fire a gun- Hit the target (Guns for Hire class- $175)

Go to Italy for a month (or more)

Take a pottery class- make something worthwhile

Forgive those I don’t want to forgive

Parasailing

Zipline

Rainforest

Learn Mandolin, Guitar, something

Long term mission trip

Spend meaningful time in each state(half way there) (Mt. Rushmore, 4 Corners, San Diego Zoo, Memphis) still to go

Archeological dig

International Jazz Festival?

Join a bookclub

Hot air balloon ride

Skydiving

Kite boarding- includes kite surfing

Climb a pretty lighthouse

Ride a motorcycle Buy a motorcycle

Jet ski (while somewhere exotic)

Advanced cooking class

Cruise

Archery

A day at the Beach

I sit on the boulevard, the balcony of the motel to my left. Room 7. Seahorse Motel. 2 Beds. An ice machine. A small pool, despite the ocean mere yards away on all sides. With a friend I know and barely know all at the same time. Other unreliable friends bailed and the weekend has become only ours. (I could write more on that...) It was supposed to rain... all day, but I have not felt a single tear drop. Lightning split the sky only once.

It smells like everything summer here. The sand, the salt, the imminent rain fall, rubber tires, sweet tangy cuisine smells waft over the air. I see distant roof tops with white rails and pale chairs. The tattered American flag battles against the wind, frayed from a thousand other gusty encounters. The cars start and stop on the road below, so much so that when they finally stop for good, a smattering of a few faint notes of music overtakes the incessant hum and drone of the tires.

Seagulls catch an air current and glide silently overhead, far different than their loud, jesting and mocking caws from today at the beach. And, oh! the beach! With its coarse rough sand finding every bit of skin, hair, cloth... with the slick sticky feel of sunscreen on a body... with the stranded jelly fish like clear shining orbs of other worldly flesh, like rubbery sand dollar pancakes littered profusely all along the waters' edge... with the infrequent whistle to remind some wayward swimmer he is too far from the flags... umbrellas, delightful screams of a toddler being chased by a wave, an unmindful companion drifting to sleep on the blanket, trashy books that only have a place in this place, drip castles, walks down the boulevard, with a dog or two in tow, strolls along the surf- dodging sand-coated children, fishing polls, and boogie boarding teenagers...

Life at the beach exists on a different dimension. It's a life of rolled up pant legs and no shoes, where biking or walking is the preferred method of transport. It's a world with unbridled laughter and squeals of surprise. Time exists differently here. The world seems to know how to breathe. Everything makes sense. Everything is justified.

"Awake... My Soul..."

After a while, you get to the point where letting go is a choice that is familiar and habit. After a while, you realize that really life is going to happen no matter what you do. There’s only so much you can do to happen to life before you cross the line of too much control and orchestration. There’s a difference between being proactive and allowing life to flow without manipulation. And after you learn to let go time and time again, it becomes this comforting blanket of peace that engulfs all decisions and steps along the journey. That in and of itself is calming. The knowledge that the burden is not yours. It belongs to another. Another who promises to direct your paths and ways. Ah… the peace in that. You don’t understand it until you understand it. Until that bridge of trust is built and then tentatively crossed. There is so much peace on the other side- just waiting for you. How beautiful and wonderful and amazing! Life is simply happening! It’s like paddling and paddling through the rapids and then… gliding along through the calm patch, knowing that eventually you’ll have to paddle and correct the course again. But knowing… knowing that for now, life can be observed and experienced and tasted. Such joy in watching your soul awake!

Wanderings of a broken heart.

Born into a life of dysfunction and unrest, I never knew the security and innocence that a child, not better loved, but better prepared, better cared for, better understood- so maybe better loved... that a child from a different background would never understand.

I always felt like a part of me was limping along, still bruised and aching from a childhood I never fully accepted with all it's misgivings, pain, wishes, and mistakes. From a childhood with an emotionally distant and overbearing father and a mother with an emotional bundle of past hauntings. Honestly, when society deemed me an adult, I was little more than a still frighten kid, trying to act like an adult. In college, I felt like most of my friends had the adult thing figured out, and I was an ace at faking it til I made it. So, I played along. Played adult, when really, I had no idea how the heck to live. When really, I was just trying to absorb good memories to make up for a lifetime of difficult and sad ones. 

I had this idea of what life should look like. Based on what? I don't know. I was never really one of those girls who planned their wedding with the Prince Charming. My stories were of adventure and far off places and the person to share it with me was sort of a given. Like he'd sort of just fall into my life and it would work. He'd just be there. A part of the story, but not the main part. The adventures were the main story. 

But I never really felt free to live life the way I dreamed it. I was either ill-equipped to do so or ignorant of the way to get there. And so, as a walking cliche, I looked for things to fill that void. So often, and I'm guessing here, when early years are filled with fear and uncertainty, it takes years to shake those feelings. Sometimes, it never happens. It is simply accepted that this is how life is, always full of fear and confusion. It is an amazingly simple lie and cycle to be in. It is increasingly difficult to identify the problem. The lie easily becomes the life. 

What happened to me, almost three years ago now, was I got sick of living the lie. I felt like I was drowning in a life I had willingly created, but hated with every fiber of my being. I felt like the life I thought I was supposed to have "fall into place" didn't exist. It was hard work. Anyone who has been married will tell you that marriage is super hard work. But at the same time, certain common denominators need to be in place. Usually, this is figured out before the marriage starts... And I realized, I didn't want to live my life being lied to, cheated on, habitually betrayed, and appeased and placated time and time again, for taking offense to these things. 

Fast forward two point five years give or take. Brokenness is no longer a way of life. I know now my parents did the best they could. They loved me with all they had, even when it didn't seem like it was enough. I have peace with that. Some days it's harder than others, but most times, the peace is present. Adventures are back to being the main plot line of life. Reforming who I am as a whole person has been a scary process. I'm not sure I ever gave myself the chance before, so that in and of itself has been quite the adventure. 

Sometimes, I think back on that time of my life. My divorce caused enough trauma that it forced me to live a different way. It irrevocably changed my inner self. The person I forced myself to be to escape a less than pleasant childhood is now replaced with a woman who has been worn out by life, who has seen herself shattered on the ground, and still allowed a God she now loves and trusts to put her back together. No longer does she need to do it herself. Self love and acceptance has come from finding trust in a God she always knew but never understood or appreciated. 

I know I still have a lot of answers to find. I know that I haven't figured it all out. But I think I'm at a spot that I can live life somewhat successfully. When I started this blog, I barely had enough pieces of life to stand on, never mind walk forward. And now, life is simply creating itself. Think on that. With tender care and attentiveness, a garden is planted and cared for. And then... it simply grows and expands. Life simply happens. 

No longer am I focusing on what I don't have, but rather what I do have and what life has to offer by simply being me. I'm pretty sure most people already have this figured out, but I didn't. Always grasping for control and orchestrating life... and now... I can let go and let life simply happen. It has been an important answer to find. 

And interestingly enough, people are noticing. At the risk of sounding conceited, people are talking! When they see me, they say things like, "You look radiant, wonderful, beautiful, amazing, stunning." That's impressive! No one has ever said that before... In the words of my best friend... "That means even on your wedding day." So, I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm doing something really right. I feel like the self acceptance, love, mercy and grace I have for myself can now be extended to others and the others are noticing. And that in an of itself is an incredible validation. I can move forward from that. 

Finally, I'm moving forward based on positive past experiences. Finally, I'm making the life I wanted but didn't know how to make. Finally, I have learned enough to make life worthwhile and successful. Finally, I have a good jumping off point. 

Every day is a chance for a second chance. 

Where I've Been a Wandering....