I've taken a long time to try and find answers. I'm still finding them, although it isn't as often as it used to be. I think I might finally have it figured it out. At least to the point of muddling through as a somewhat functioning human being, rather than a cosmic emotional wreck. And the thing I have figured is that I don't have much figured at all. I know what not to do- to the point of being able to make fairly healthy life choices. But... other than that, the things I thought I wanted aren't necessarily the things life is going to give me. And I've come to a place of acceptance about that. About all of them. Some of them I have more peace about (like living in NJ indefinitely) and some I have less peace about (like being a mother). Regardless... life is no longer a daily struggle to survive. I'm aware I have far less control over pretty much everything in my life. And I don't say that in "I've given up" kind of way. I just realize that so much that I concern myself about and worry about is really nothing to perplex myself with.
Love will happen when it's supposed to, in the way that it's supposed to. Grace truly is a way of life and can come from a reservoir of understanding, compassion and love. Trust takes a long time to build. A really long time. New trust. Trust in God, trust in others, trust in self. Once trust has been broken so completely, it takes a lot of love to patch it up again. A lot, a lot, a lot. And time. I've learned that you have to give time time. Think on that. Time has to be given time to work, to pass, to heal.
I'm not sure how much I'll be writing anymore. It's gotten less and less over the last few months. I don't feel like I'm fighting for answers to rebuild life anymore. I don't feel like I'm scraping by, living life in crisis anymore. I haven't felt in crisis for a very long time. I've felt this way for a while. Like the answers I'm supposed to have found for this chapter in my life have been found. Or at least overturned and brought to light. Life isn't in shambles anymore. Life is beautiful- in the broken places, in the reworked places, in the grace filled places- which is nearly all of it. And that, that is good.
Love will happen when it's supposed to, in the way that it's supposed to. Grace truly is a way of life and can come from a reservoir of understanding, compassion and love. Trust takes a long time to build. A really long time. New trust. Trust in God, trust in others, trust in self. Once trust has been broken so completely, it takes a lot of love to patch it up again. A lot, a lot, a lot. And time. I've learned that you have to give time time. Think on that. Time has to be given time to work, to pass, to heal.
I'm not sure how much I'll be writing anymore. It's gotten less and less over the last few months. I don't feel like I'm fighting for answers to rebuild life anymore. I don't feel like I'm scraping by, living life in crisis anymore. I haven't felt in crisis for a very long time. I've felt this way for a while. Like the answers I'm supposed to have found for this chapter in my life have been found. Or at least overturned and brought to light. Life isn't in shambles anymore. Life is beautiful- in the broken places, in the reworked places, in the grace filled places- which is nearly all of it. And that, that is good.
