16 April 2010

I'm not sure how I arrived at this conclusion, but I do remember making a series of mental, quiet choices that led me here. I do remember finally saying, "okay, this is what I have to do; this is how I have to let go." I am always restless and therefore always feel like I'm waiting on someone else. it's tiring and exhilarating at the same time. And just today, I have made the final choice of freeing the weights from my heart. No more expectations, no more holding on to things I cannot change, no more trying to force things to come together as I will them to. No more. Oh, I'm sure I will have to make this choice again and again, but for now, today on this day, I am choosing to let go. I don't know what that means for tomorrow. I can't even think of tomorrow, beyond getting up and trying to live as best I can. That's all I have to give right now. Just as I am- Just today- no more, no less.

I want to create a better person. I want her to be beautiful- in every way. I don't know how to get there, but I want to try and let God have his way. Nothing else has worked. He's all that's left. And maybe that's the best part in all this. Some people see God in the small ways and allow him to work. And some, like me, need all the trappings of this world to fade away before our whole focus is on the One it should have been on all along.