The choice to be at rest

So, without going into a whole lot of detail, I have come to the conclusion that the person I was a year ago is gone, and the person I was two years ago is completely and utterly unrecognizable to the person I am today. I still like the some of the same music and yet, I have found new music that speaks to me just as clearly. I love 400 thread count sateen sheets and a soft mattress- something I found out after not having my own bed or my own place to live for a year and a half. I ache for a life I thought I wanted, but I'm slowly realizing that where I am now is without a shadow of a doubt where I am supposed to be. And I now understand that the depth of my anger is far greater than I was willing to accept, but after talking and seeing people from my past, I realize I am dealing with it in a far different manner than I could be. The mere fact that I am identifying the anger and coming to terms with it sets me apart from the people in my past. It grieves me incredibly to see the way their anger has eaten them up and overtaken them. Please don't think I'm trying to sound better than they are. That is not the point of this. The point is, I have struggled to see whether healthy emotional progress has been made in my life and I haven't seen it. I have difficulty being objective in my own life. But after a few encounters in the past couple of weeks, I see I have changed. I see that the journey toward healthy living is slowly emerging. I see that the steps I am taking now are moving me closer to relationship with Jesus and I see that that change could not have come about without complete and utter surrender to the Holy Spirit and his actions in my life.

Am I still broken? Yes, of course. Am I still in pain? Yes, of course. And yet, the answers I have looked for my whole life are finally becoming clear. Trust- true trust is beginning to flow through my body. Mercy and grace are becoming ways and acts of life. Acceptance of myself and others is beginning to flow out of my words and actions. I'm no longer scrambling to pick up the pieces of life, because I have the assured faith that Christ is at the center of all of the pieces and fully capable of putting all of them together in exactly the way they need to be put together. I don't have to try so hard to do what I'm not meant to. I can rest in his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And after the last two years of my life where complete and profane chaos has reigned, the idea of rest soothes my soul and calms my anxious, weary heart.

So now... the next step in finding answers... to rest in His holy, unchanging steadfastness, to build a heart of love and compassion. To be able to stop striving to be what I'm not and allow God to work in the ways he still needs to. And be at rest.