Life is good!

Peace

So... I feel like there should be banners or sirens or big fanfare. And the fact that there's not is actually a really good thing. Saturday marks eight years since I got engaged. Sunday marks seven years since I got married. And in a few short weeks, I'll have been divorced for two. This the part where I start in on what an incredible journey it's been. And it has. The past two years I have learned more about life and myself than the previous 26+ combined. But this is the thing. This whole week I've been dwelling on things and thinking about things- the past and such... And all I could think was, I really want this to be in the past and stop affecting the person I am today. I really want to just have a normal regular weekend and not have to worry about being upset because once upon a time this date was important.

Something I've noticed: It's one thing to say that I want change, but really the way that it comes about is by simply choosing different decisions when the time comes. Really, it's about making daily choices to live remarkably, rather than auditing life. Really, it's simply about deciding every day to be the change I want to see, not just in the world, but in my own personal life.

So... this is what I know. Who I am now could never have happened any other way than it did. I love the person I am now. The past is the past. I'm living for the present, the very best I can. And I'm happy.

Life

Safety

I wish I could explain how remarkable it is to feel safe. I'm pretty sure women struggle with this feeling more than men. In order to feel safe, we must trust. And let's face it, even Eve had issues trusting her loving God. It's the biggest reason we are fallen. I can name a multitude of reasons I don't trust, but for now, let's just say, I have issues with it and I know it. But today... today was extraordinary in it's trust inducing euphoria. Today was almost pure magic for me.

I'm not a huge people person because of my lack of trust and my past experiences. I only open up when I'm around people I trust and love and care about. And who I know I can be safe with. My last church family hurt me quite badly in their lack of support, their judgment, their meddling... with so many things. They weren't Jesus to me at a time when I really needed that ministry and care. They were everything that people outside the church negatively think Christians will be toward them in their hour of need. I had grown up in the church; I had seized my parents' faith as my own and was walking toward full time ministry. And greatly in part from their actions, I nearly walked away. From all of it. The church, the people, ministry, and the relationship I had with God, which was precious to me then, but every more cherished now.

I didn't walk away. God sent people into my life who wouldn't let me. A new friend here, a faithful stubborn pastor there... and a new church family, led by one of the most accepting and caring pastors I have ever met. And today... today was one of those times when I could look back and realize how far I have come. I felt safe at church, after many months, weeks and days of wondering if it could ever happen again. I have seen the progress and journey happening and been amazed at how God had started to create something beautiful out of something that was broken. Because my heart was broken. My heart is still broken for those people who treated me so unfairly and so unkindly.

There are certain things that I find I really like about people. And one of my most favorite things about God is his redemptive power: his ability to make things new out of nothing but broken, smashed, torn up little pieces. The power of that hope amazes me. The thought that Christ is in the business of making the pain and the broken promises, the disbelief and the mistrust, into magnificent possibilities is one of the most wondrous things I could ever imagine.

Today I saw a possibility turn into a reality. I felt like I had come home. I felt like I had come in from the cold, after a long long winter's walk. Today reminded me that God is bigger than language, greater than misunderstandings, stronger than the weather (it looked like rain today), and God is safe. Where his people truly truly are, there he is. He was in our service today, at our picnic today, and there was a palpable feeling of trust, happiness, joy and an overflowing heart of thanksgiving that unless one has tasted loss, one could not understand. For those feelings, I am overwhelmingly grateful. For my church family, I am immeasurably appreciative. And for a God who believes in second chances and new beginnings, I am forever indebted, for he saved me when I was still a sinner.

The Storm

Today had cloudless blue skies and heat you could see if you squinted. Stepping outside was like inviting the trickle of sweat to slide down your back- and not in a good way. The air simply would not move. And then... slowly, without warning, the skies turned to pencil tip gray and the wind whipped the leaves to and fro. The smell outside changed. You could sense the storm coming on wind-tips. And slowly... one by one, the rain drops started to fall. Huge droplets that smacked the pavement as they landed. And then... the sky paused, as if waiting for the rest of the storm to catch up before dropping a bucket of water on us... as if shutting a window in the dome above... But then! Then it happened! The deluge of smattering raindrops, splattering in huge gushes all over the sidewalk, the car... and me! I turned my face upward to catch them, each one magical and iridescent.

It was over by the time I reached home. Soothing soft drips slid down my cheeks as I walked to my door. The sky had turned whitish gray- the look it gets when the storm is not over, but you are assured it has partially passed. Wisps of gun metal were pushed away.... slowly, with effort. Until... in a short while, the wind will pick up again and the rain, thunder and lightning will return once more.

"After a while..."

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

A poem I found that was given to me in middle school. Still good words to live by.