I wish I could explain how remarkable it is to feel safe. I'm pretty sure women struggle with this feeling more than men. In order to feel safe, we must trust. And let's face it, even Eve had issues trusting her loving God. It's the biggest reason we are fallen. I can name a multitude of reasons I don't trust, but for now, let's just say, I have issues with it and I know it. But today... today was extraordinary in it's trust inducing euphoria. Today was almost pure magic for me.
I'm not a huge people person because of my lack of trust and my past experiences. I only open up when I'm around people I trust and love and care about. And who I know I can be safe with. My last church family hurt me quite badly in their lack of support, their judgment, their meddling... with so many things. They weren't Jesus to me at a time when I really needed that ministry and care. They were everything that people outside the church negatively think Christians will be toward them in their hour of need. I had grown up in the church; I had seized my parents' faith as my own and was walking toward full time ministry. And greatly in part from their actions, I nearly walked away. From all of it. The church, the people, ministry, and the relationship I had with God, which was precious to me then, but every more cherished now.
I didn't walk away. God sent people into my life who wouldn't let me. A new friend here, a faithful stubborn pastor there... and a new church family, led by one of the most accepting and caring pastors I have ever met. And today... today was one of those times when I could look back and realize how far I have come. I felt safe at church, after many months, weeks and days of wondering if it could ever happen again. I have seen the progress and journey happening and been amazed at how God had started to create something beautiful out of something that was broken. Because my heart was broken. My heart is still broken for those people who treated me so unfairly and so unkindly.
There are certain things that I find I really like about people. And one of my most favorite things about God is his redemptive power: his ability to make things new out of nothing but broken, smashed, torn up little pieces. The power of that hope amazes me. The thought that Christ is in the business of making the pain and the broken promises, the disbelief and the mistrust, into magnificent possibilities is one of the most wondrous things I could ever imagine.
Today I saw a possibility turn into a reality. I felt like I had come home. I felt like I had come in from the cold, after a long long winter's walk. Today reminded me that God is bigger than language, greater than misunderstandings, stronger than the weather (it looked like rain today), and God is safe. Where his people truly truly are, there he is. He was in our service today, at our picnic today, and there was a palpable feeling of trust, happiness, joy and an overflowing heart of thanksgiving that unless one has tasted loss, one could not understand. For those feelings, I am overwhelmingly grateful. For my church family, I am immeasurably appreciative. And for a God who believes in second chances and new beginnings, I am forever indebted, for he saved me when I was still a sinner.
I'm not a huge people person because of my lack of trust and my past experiences. I only open up when I'm around people I trust and love and care about. And who I know I can be safe with. My last church family hurt me quite badly in their lack of support, their judgment, their meddling... with so many things. They weren't Jesus to me at a time when I really needed that ministry and care. They were everything that people outside the church negatively think Christians will be toward them in their hour of need. I had grown up in the church; I had seized my parents' faith as my own and was walking toward full time ministry. And greatly in part from their actions, I nearly walked away. From all of it. The church, the people, ministry, and the relationship I had with God, which was precious to me then, but every more cherished now.
I didn't walk away. God sent people into my life who wouldn't let me. A new friend here, a faithful stubborn pastor there... and a new church family, led by one of the most accepting and caring pastors I have ever met. And today... today was one of those times when I could look back and realize how far I have come. I felt safe at church, after many months, weeks and days of wondering if it could ever happen again. I have seen the progress and journey happening and been amazed at how God had started to create something beautiful out of something that was broken. Because my heart was broken. My heart is still broken for those people who treated me so unfairly and so unkindly.
There are certain things that I find I really like about people. And one of my most favorite things about God is his redemptive power: his ability to make things new out of nothing but broken, smashed, torn up little pieces. The power of that hope amazes me. The thought that Christ is in the business of making the pain and the broken promises, the disbelief and the mistrust, into magnificent possibilities is one of the most wondrous things I could ever imagine.
Today I saw a possibility turn into a reality. I felt like I had come home. I felt like I had come in from the cold, after a long long winter's walk. Today reminded me that God is bigger than language, greater than misunderstandings, stronger than the weather (it looked like rain today), and God is safe. Where his people truly truly are, there he is. He was in our service today, at our picnic today, and there was a palpable feeling of trust, happiness, joy and an overflowing heart of thanksgiving that unless one has tasted loss, one could not understand. For those feelings, I am overwhelmingly grateful. For my church family, I am immeasurably appreciative. And for a God who believes in second chances and new beginnings, I am forever indebted, for he saved me when I was still a sinner.
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