Wanderings of a broken heart.

Born into a life of dysfunction and unrest, I never knew the security and innocence that a child, not better loved, but better prepared, better cared for, better understood- so maybe better loved... that a child from a different background would never understand.

I always felt like a part of me was limping along, still bruised and aching from a childhood I never fully accepted with all it's misgivings, pain, wishes, and mistakes. From a childhood with an emotionally distant and overbearing father and a mother with an emotional bundle of past hauntings. Honestly, when society deemed me an adult, I was little more than a still frighten kid, trying to act like an adult. In college, I felt like most of my friends had the adult thing figured out, and I was an ace at faking it til I made it. So, I played along. Played adult, when really, I had no idea how the heck to live. When really, I was just trying to absorb good memories to make up for a lifetime of difficult and sad ones. 

I had this idea of what life should look like. Based on what? I don't know. I was never really one of those girls who planned their wedding with the Prince Charming. My stories were of adventure and far off places and the person to share it with me was sort of a given. Like he'd sort of just fall into my life and it would work. He'd just be there. A part of the story, but not the main part. The adventures were the main story. 

But I never really felt free to live life the way I dreamed it. I was either ill-equipped to do so or ignorant of the way to get there. And so, as a walking cliche, I looked for things to fill that void. So often, and I'm guessing here, when early years are filled with fear and uncertainty, it takes years to shake those feelings. Sometimes, it never happens. It is simply accepted that this is how life is, always full of fear and confusion. It is an amazingly simple lie and cycle to be in. It is increasingly difficult to identify the problem. The lie easily becomes the life. 

What happened to me, almost three years ago now, was I got sick of living the lie. I felt like I was drowning in a life I had willingly created, but hated with every fiber of my being. I felt like the life I thought I was supposed to have "fall into place" didn't exist. It was hard work. Anyone who has been married will tell you that marriage is super hard work. But at the same time, certain common denominators need to be in place. Usually, this is figured out before the marriage starts... And I realized, I didn't want to live my life being lied to, cheated on, habitually betrayed, and appeased and placated time and time again, for taking offense to these things. 

Fast forward two point five years give or take. Brokenness is no longer a way of life. I know now my parents did the best they could. They loved me with all they had, even when it didn't seem like it was enough. I have peace with that. Some days it's harder than others, but most times, the peace is present. Adventures are back to being the main plot line of life. Reforming who I am as a whole person has been a scary process. I'm not sure I ever gave myself the chance before, so that in and of itself has been quite the adventure. 

Sometimes, I think back on that time of my life. My divorce caused enough trauma that it forced me to live a different way. It irrevocably changed my inner self. The person I forced myself to be to escape a less than pleasant childhood is now replaced with a woman who has been worn out by life, who has seen herself shattered on the ground, and still allowed a God she now loves and trusts to put her back together. No longer does she need to do it herself. Self love and acceptance has come from finding trust in a God she always knew but never understood or appreciated. 

I know I still have a lot of answers to find. I know that I haven't figured it all out. But I think I'm at a spot that I can live life somewhat successfully. When I started this blog, I barely had enough pieces of life to stand on, never mind walk forward. And now, life is simply creating itself. Think on that. With tender care and attentiveness, a garden is planted and cared for. And then... it simply grows and expands. Life simply happens. 

No longer am I focusing on what I don't have, but rather what I do have and what life has to offer by simply being me. I'm pretty sure most people already have this figured out, but I didn't. Always grasping for control and orchestrating life... and now... I can let go and let life simply happen. It has been an important answer to find. 

And interestingly enough, people are noticing. At the risk of sounding conceited, people are talking! When they see me, they say things like, "You look radiant, wonderful, beautiful, amazing, stunning." That's impressive! No one has ever said that before... In the words of my best friend... "That means even on your wedding day." So, I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm doing something really right. I feel like the self acceptance, love, mercy and grace I have for myself can now be extended to others and the others are noticing. And that in an of itself is an incredible validation. I can move forward from that. 

Finally, I'm moving forward based on positive past experiences. Finally, I'm making the life I wanted but didn't know how to make. Finally, I have learned enough to make life worthwhile and successful. Finally, I have a good jumping off point. 

Every day is a chance for a second chance.