Sometimes...

Sometimes I forget the promises of that morning on the beach. The way the waves crashed into the shore, like his love overwhelming my heart.  Sometimes I forget that afternoon when he soothed my soul, after I yielded to his voice. Sometimes I forget all the answers he gave when I sought them. Sometimes, I forget.

Sometimes, I wish I could generate on the spot the way my spirit feels when he speaks to me so directly and bluntly. The way the weight lifts and I am so aware of the fact that I’m not alone. I don’t think everyone experiences God this way. It’s amazing. It’s engulfing and overpowering. It makes everything else fade away.

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, a part of me is back on that beach, with its silence and unadulterated perfection. With only the birds on the surf’s edge and the waves rolling in, white with foam. Sometimes, I feel the least lonely when I am alone. When I choose to be alone and seek only God. I wish I could be back there on that morning, when I woke up at 5:30 a.m. without a reason, except to go to the beach to watch the sunrise. To relish in the promises of a new day. I know my life would be vastly different if I took time each morning to watch the sun come up over the horizon and also watch it as it slunk below the line across the sky.

Sometimes, I ache to be back there, with the sand, the warmth, the soft wind, the sticky feel of sunscreen… I miss it. Everyone aches for vacation when they are not on it, but rarely does anyone ache for reality when one is on vacation. Funny, how that is.

So for now, this is one of the sometimes… one of those times that I long to close my eyes and be on that beach in the cool of the morning, before the sand has turned hot and toasty and is cool and smooth as I run it through my fingers, oh so very slowly. I feel as though today is like the walk back to the motel where there, on the balcony, my companion waited, sipping coffee, watching the cars race by. Today is that walk, rather than the quiet reflection on the beach that calmed my weary, emotionally stretched heart. Today is the return to reality, rather than the promises so vividly revealed through the sun streaming through the wispy clouds of doubt. Today, I have to remember harder than before, so I can still sense the assurance of his possibilities.