Struggle

I still have more answers to find... in the darkness that is my heart, in the cravings and desires that are my emotions. I still have more answers to find. I care too much about the things that I should know how to let go of because they are out of my control. And I find myself caring too little about the things I might want to care a bit more about. And I still find myself at war with myself. I still find the old habits rear their ugly heads, coupled with the struggle to disregard them make new problems arise out of the ashes of what I thought were issues long resolved. And I feel ill-equipped, once more, to deal with the life choices that are full of emotion- without a manual or a clear cut understanding of how to wrangle with them. My own ignorance and blindness is my greatest downfall.

And so I grapple- with myself- with my own faith, my own beliefs and turn toward God, knowing that he is always the father of the prodigal, despite my ineptitudes, despite my lack of understanding-STILL! I am ever grateful for his patience, as I attempt to relearn the same lessons over and over.

Romans 7:19-25: "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Amen.