So, I went back to a place from my past this past week for Thanksgiving. I was very trepidatious about going back to this place, because it was one that was marred with grief, loss, pain, suffering and a whole slew other chaotic emotions that I still am working through. It was at the request of a nine year old boy that I went and for that reason and that reason alone, I am glad I went. His parents never told him I was coming, so when I showed up on the doorstep, he was amazed that I was there. And that's how it should be. Children should know their dreams can come true in tangible ways. It's something I never really had and always longed for; I vowed the children in my life would be able to dream and gainfully grasp their dreams. But I digress...
While I was at this place, I was careful to not visit places that had painful memories or would make me think of certain people or specific memories. I wanted to make sure this visit was about love, friendship, caring, and new memories- all the things that it hadn't been when I left. And it was. They were some of the sweetest days I've had in the last two years. It was like I had never left. I fit back into this family like I had always been there. There was no awkwardness or confusion- just puzzle pieces finally together after months of searching. If a person ever feels unloved, he or she should spend time with children. They are the truest version of unconditional love one can find on this earth.
I am so glad I went, but coming home to where I now call home has been a difficult transition. And when I say difficult, I mean that I have not felt this much pain or confusion or aching in many months. Today, I finally figured it out. After days of listless misunderstandings in my head and a knot in my stomach, I finally figured it out. My life there is gone. Completely and wholly gone. The person I was when I was there is gone and I'm glad for it, but to know that a life I loved and created was finished, brought a fresh pain and ache to my heart. I'm not sure I'm explaining it well or if I even understand why this concept was the one that brought me to tears when I identified it. But it is simply one more loss that I know I have to accept and shoulder and move on. But oh! What agony! To accept that I have lost so much! I know I have lost a lot and understand that from day to day, but this was a smack upside the head- a painful reminder of just how much is gone from before.
And the thing that is so odd, is that I fit into life there without any trouble. I still knew my way around; I still saw familiar faces; I still felt like life was worth living there. It felt like it was my life. It fit. But then as soon as I arrived home, there was a void for a life I used to have that doesn't exist anymore. Certain pieces of my life are still there- such as the people I knew, but still...
So... I write about it, because that's what I do, knowing that the pain will pass if time is given enough time. I write to try and make sense of it all, because it's the only way that the emotions actually make any sort of sense.
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