Words...

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose."

"Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand."

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." –Albert Camus

"Sometimes the things we can’t change, end up changing us."

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elizabeth Kubler Ross

"Stand Tall"

Na na na na na na na
It's just another Saturday that's gone to waste

I'm tired of fighting every
Battle in the world except for mine.
I take it for granted that there's
Always someone right there by my side.

Stand tall,
I know the weight of the world won't bring me down
Stand tall,
I gotta let it go.

I've managed to let myself go
How I wish the world could let go too...
It's something I think about
When I find myself with nothing left to lose.

Stand tall,
You know the weight of the world won't bring you down
Stand tall,
You gotta be who you are
Stand tall,
You gotta let it
You gotta let it
You gotta let it
Stand tall,
You gotta let it go.

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na (x3)

Stand tall,
I know the weight of the world won't bring you down
Stand tall,
You gotta be who you are
Stand tall,
You know the weight of the world won't bring you down
Stand tall,
You gotta be who you are
Stand tall,
You gotta let it
You gotta let it
You gotta let it
Stand tall,
You gotta let it go.

...it was just another Saturday


Stand Tall
-Ian Axel

"I believe"

I Believe... that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe…that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I believe…that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the     strength to help.

I believe…that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe…that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe…that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I believe…that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I believe…that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I believe…that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe…that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I believe…that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe…that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.  And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I believe…that you shouldn’t be eager to find out a secret.  It could change your life forever.

I believe…that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe…that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe…that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I believe…that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe…that we don’t have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I believe…that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe…that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe…that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe…that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, that passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe…that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe…that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe…that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe…that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe…that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who help you get back up.

Found these "I believe" statements online and wanted to share them. Some of these are new answers to questions I had and I realized I believed them after I went through the last couple of years. 

What is it I feel?

"For those who have decided to follow Jesus, being motivated by the fear of not having enough is something we are supposed to give up and unlearn. How abundant a life would it be...if we could really remove the worry about having enough from our minds? Abundance – above-and-beyondness  - means a lack of fear. So what then does “safety” mean to us? I have heard it said that the only safe place is to be in the center of God’s will. I wish I could find the origin of that quote. It makes sense, doesn't it? He sets us free from worrying about the length of our years – we will live forever and abundantly with him. He sets us free from worrying about having “enough” – our heavenly Father knows what we need. And he sets us free from having to protect ourselves." -Pastor Sue "Abundant Life" 15 May 11 

Conversation that followed:

S: Mind sending me your sermon from yesterday? It was one I needed to hear, yet again.

PS: Sure- Here you go!

S: Thanks- spent a lot of the past week focusing on the things I didn't have rather than the things I do have. It was a good reminder to hear what I should really be focusing on. And I struggle with fear. I feel like I'm always afraid. So for me, abundant life is hard to accept. It's hard to trust in that safety. I have learned that I can, but I still struggle with it. 

PS: Why do you suppose you're so afraid? 

S: I think a lot of it has to do with my upbringing. It was a lot to overcome as an only child without anyone to share it with- without anyone else to understand that particular situation the way I do- or at least similarly to the way I do. I've always struggled with fear, not like the "there are monsters under my bed", but more (at the risk of sounding overly dramatic) diabolical. The only peace I have ever found has been in Christ. But I still struggle. 

PS: well, that's something I'm pretty sure Jesus plans to heal.  If you want him to.  Hard to give up old patterns, though, I know.  I agree that it comes with counting the ways that God has "added these things as well" (Matt 6) all along.  You've survived some big things - ought to count for something!  The Devil is defeated.  :>)

S: Each day is a day of healing. Some days are more difficult to move forward from. Old patterns of coping, dealing, of fear... it's not what I want for my life, but sometimes there is comfort in the thing we know, no matter how destructive it is. It's hard to let go. I have issues with letting things go. (I have issues..) ;-) I want to do more than just survive the things! I want my life to be one of un-crisis, which means making different decisions this time around. I feel vastly ill-prepared for healthy living, having only known unhealthy and seeing it repeated in the lives of my parents and many others makes it difficult to go against the tide. 

PS: Oh, indeed! I see the comfort of unhealthy patterns being clung to all the time! (Can't see it as easily in myself! ;-)). I agree - thrive, not survive! Jesus says it's about giving up our own lives; Paul said it was about offering ourselves as living sacrifices. I guess that means putting all the hopes + dreams on the altar, and receiving back whichever ones the Lord thinks are good for us...or for his purpose in us/in the cosmos. The trust thing is what it's all about.

S: Is this what Paul (I think) is talking about when he talks about struggling against the flesh? This ongoing struggle that we put different names to? Like, I struggle with fear, loneliness, and trust. (those are the big ones) I wonder if what I struggle with is more universal to the human race than just to me and the things I struggle with may not be exactly what others deal with but they have their own version of it? I just wonder if it's not really all about me in the ways that I think it is. And it's more about humanity itself.

PS: Absolutely!! What is the devil all about but pointing out we're alone, we've been robbed, nobody loves us esp not God, and we'd better take care of ourselves (+be on the lookout for more robberies)? Oh, and we're not lovable. So hide that lest someone find out.

So... what do you think? Have I found more answers? Or more questions? Is what I feel something that each of us feels and refuses to acknowledge except in that deepest darkest place? 

Grief

For me, grief happens rather easily. For me, the melancholy is only a step away. For me, only one part of life can be grieved at once. This is part of the reason why divorce is so difficult. Part of the grief process is identifying exactly what is causing the pain and marking the loss, so acceptance can eventually come. But so often, in divorce situations, there is so much loss all at once, it's hard for the body to physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually keep up.

And I have come to realize now that I'm on the "other side" of things- not living in crisis, not going through it all, now that life has stabilized, I still live in fear of grief. A sad thing happened to a dear friend of mine recently and the entire week she was waiting for this news- good or bad, I had this sense of unease. I couldn't write. It was like someone had put a block of concrete in front of me. I couldn't make the words come. And I found myself groping for the reasons for my discontent, my pain, my restlessness... my grief. I did finally deduce the reason for it all, but it made it no less uncomfortable. I realized, I was grieving with her. I've come to the conclusion that grief has more to do with loss than death, and death is simply a more tangible monkier to hang upon it.

The week while I was waiting for this news, I found myself inundated with feelings of grief from past losses. It makes perfect sense, now that I can look back on it. While on the verge of another instance of grief, the shadows of past losses wrapped around me like a suffocating blanket. I know that life is full of losses- for some more than others. I know that it is simply a reality that we are faced with since we live in a fallen world. But the pain of identifying it never grows any less terrible. I think in many ways we all have grief we are trying to work through on a daily basis. Some of us just have a heavier burden than others, from past choices, from past mistakes, from past circumstances. And we all try to move forward in the slow, clumsy, broken way, as best we can.


"When you are sorrowful, look again at your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight." -Kahil Gibran

What If?

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know it, if you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life
That you don't want me there by your side

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know when you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Oh - Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right,
Let's take a breath, jump over the side.
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right,
You know that darkness always turns into light.
Ooh-ooh, that's right 

What If?

Coldplay