What is it I feel?

"For those who have decided to follow Jesus, being motivated by the fear of not having enough is something we are supposed to give up and unlearn. How abundant a life would it be...if we could really remove the worry about having enough from our minds? Abundance – above-and-beyondness  - means a lack of fear. So what then does “safety” mean to us? I have heard it said that the only safe place is to be in the center of God’s will. I wish I could find the origin of that quote. It makes sense, doesn't it? He sets us free from worrying about the length of our years – we will live forever and abundantly with him. He sets us free from worrying about having “enough” – our heavenly Father knows what we need. And he sets us free from having to protect ourselves." -Pastor Sue "Abundant Life" 15 May 11 

Conversation that followed:

S: Mind sending me your sermon from yesterday? It was one I needed to hear, yet again.

PS: Sure- Here you go!

S: Thanks- spent a lot of the past week focusing on the things I didn't have rather than the things I do have. It was a good reminder to hear what I should really be focusing on. And I struggle with fear. I feel like I'm always afraid. So for me, abundant life is hard to accept. It's hard to trust in that safety. I have learned that I can, but I still struggle with it. 

PS: Why do you suppose you're so afraid? 

S: I think a lot of it has to do with my upbringing. It was a lot to overcome as an only child without anyone to share it with- without anyone else to understand that particular situation the way I do- or at least similarly to the way I do. I've always struggled with fear, not like the "there are monsters under my bed", but more (at the risk of sounding overly dramatic) diabolical. The only peace I have ever found has been in Christ. But I still struggle. 

PS: well, that's something I'm pretty sure Jesus plans to heal.  If you want him to.  Hard to give up old patterns, though, I know.  I agree that it comes with counting the ways that God has "added these things as well" (Matt 6) all along.  You've survived some big things - ought to count for something!  The Devil is defeated.  :>)

S: Each day is a day of healing. Some days are more difficult to move forward from. Old patterns of coping, dealing, of fear... it's not what I want for my life, but sometimes there is comfort in the thing we know, no matter how destructive it is. It's hard to let go. I have issues with letting things go. (I have issues..) ;-) I want to do more than just survive the things! I want my life to be one of un-crisis, which means making different decisions this time around. I feel vastly ill-prepared for healthy living, having only known unhealthy and seeing it repeated in the lives of my parents and many others makes it difficult to go against the tide. 

PS: Oh, indeed! I see the comfort of unhealthy patterns being clung to all the time! (Can't see it as easily in myself! ;-)). I agree - thrive, not survive! Jesus says it's about giving up our own lives; Paul said it was about offering ourselves as living sacrifices. I guess that means putting all the hopes + dreams on the altar, and receiving back whichever ones the Lord thinks are good for us...or for his purpose in us/in the cosmos. The trust thing is what it's all about.

S: Is this what Paul (I think) is talking about when he talks about struggling against the flesh? This ongoing struggle that we put different names to? Like, I struggle with fear, loneliness, and trust. (those are the big ones) I wonder if what I struggle with is more universal to the human race than just to me and the things I struggle with may not be exactly what others deal with but they have their own version of it? I just wonder if it's not really all about me in the ways that I think it is. And it's more about humanity itself.

PS: Absolutely!! What is the devil all about but pointing out we're alone, we've been robbed, nobody loves us esp not God, and we'd better take care of ourselves (+be on the lookout for more robberies)? Oh, and we're not lovable. So hide that lest someone find out.

So... what do you think? Have I found more answers? Or more questions? Is what I feel something that each of us feels and refuses to acknowledge except in that deepest darkest place?