For me, grief happens rather easily. For me, the melancholy is only a step away. For me, only one part of life can be grieved at once. This is part of the reason why divorce is so difficult. Part of the grief process is identifying exactly what is causing the pain and marking the loss, so acceptance can eventually come. But so often, in divorce situations, there is so much loss all at once, it's hard for the body to physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually keep up.
And I have come to realize now that I'm on the "other side" of things- not living in crisis, not going through it all, now that life has stabilized, I still live in fear of grief. A sad thing happened to a dear friend of mine recently and the entire week she was waiting for this news- good or bad, I had this sense of unease. I couldn't write. It was like someone had put a block of concrete in front of me. I couldn't make the words come. And I found myself groping for the reasons for my discontent, my pain, my restlessness... my grief. I did finally deduce the reason for it all, but it made it no less uncomfortable. I realized, I was grieving with her. I've come to the conclusion that grief has more to do with loss than death, and death is simply a more tangible monkier to hang upon it.
The week while I was waiting for this news, I found myself inundated with feelings of grief from past losses. It makes perfect sense, now that I can look back on it. While on the verge of another instance of grief, the shadows of past losses wrapped around me like a suffocating blanket. I know that life is full of losses- for some more than others. I know that it is simply a reality that we are faced with since we live in a fallen world. But the pain of identifying it never grows any less terrible. I think in many ways we all have grief we are trying to work through on a daily basis. Some of us just have a heavier burden than others, from past choices, from past mistakes, from past circumstances. And we all try to move forward in the slow, clumsy, broken way, as best we can.
"When you are sorrowful, look again at your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight." -Kahil Gibran
And I have come to realize now that I'm on the "other side" of things- not living in crisis, not going through it all, now that life has stabilized, I still live in fear of grief. A sad thing happened to a dear friend of mine recently and the entire week she was waiting for this news- good or bad, I had this sense of unease. I couldn't write. It was like someone had put a block of concrete in front of me. I couldn't make the words come. And I found myself groping for the reasons for my discontent, my pain, my restlessness... my grief. I did finally deduce the reason for it all, but it made it no less uncomfortable. I realized, I was grieving with her. I've come to the conclusion that grief has more to do with loss than death, and death is simply a more tangible monkier to hang upon it.
The week while I was waiting for this news, I found myself inundated with feelings of grief from past losses. It makes perfect sense, now that I can look back on it. While on the verge of another instance of grief, the shadows of past losses wrapped around me like a suffocating blanket. I know that life is full of losses- for some more than others. I know that it is simply a reality that we are faced with since we live in a fallen world. But the pain of identifying it never grows any less terrible. I think in many ways we all have grief we are trying to work through on a daily basis. Some of us just have a heavier burden than others, from past choices, from past mistakes, from past circumstances. And we all try to move forward in the slow, clumsy, broken way, as best we can.
"When you are sorrowful, look again at your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight." -Kahil Gibran
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