Something more....

You know... after the week I've had, you would think I would have something to write about. You would think I would have something meaningful to tell people, but I have come to the conclusion that while I am an introvert, I really do like interaction with some people. I'm going slightly crazy when the most interesting conversation I've had all day is with a four year old. And I've started to realize that when I talk about my job, it's what others do for their life. I have some great stay-at-home mom friends and I realize, my job mirrors in a lot of ways, their daily lives. And I find when I'm talking about my job, I'm thinking in the back of my head, I need something more. I ache for something more. Nannying is great right now. It really really is. It's good- good enough, for now. But I can't imagine my whole life being about staying at home with the kids. I'm not saying that I think it's not worth it for those who do it. Trust me, the women in my life who do it are some of the most amazing women I know. What I am saying is that I have always wondered if I would be fine staying at home with my children and maybe it will be different, but right now, I ache for something more. I look forward to the time when I can be at a job that is really the heartbeat of what I want to do with my life. And again, don't get me wrong, I love my job. And I'm not looking to change anything about my life and it's current state. No way! I've waited too long to get to this place. But... there is still a part of me that is saying, "this is only temporary." And I was talking to someone lately who without meaning to, started 20 Questions about my future. And I flipped! On the outside, I was still calm and composed and I attempted to answer his questions. But on the inside, I was scrambling, like, "what if this answer isn't good enough?" or "oh my gosh, I actually don't know how to answer this." And I realized this week, I should probably figure out the answers to those questions. Maybe not completely, but as my friend suggested, perhaps I should set some goals for myself to make the direction I think I want to go in, the direction I'm actually headed toward.

The Petulant Child

My best friend said something to me recently. She said, "to be in relationship with adults, you have to be one." Simple, right? But I find myself continually returning to childish ways and frustrations, and then find myself becoming all the more frustrated, seeing as I'm acting childish. It's this division in myself that I'm not quite sure I yet understand. I think it leads back to the section in Romans when the apostle Paul talks about the fact that he does the things he does not want- in fact he says he does what he HATES, when he would rather do what he wants- which is what is right and good and true. And I understand that what he is speaking of is sin and what I wrestle with currently is not a sinful situation, but I do know that the childish behaviors when indulged could lead to sin. So... I wrestle. And I attempt to make different choices, which I hope will lead to different results and different outcomes. I attempt to make healthier decisions, which I hope will lead to a stronger person, a more mature person. But the petulant child is camped out right next door, stomping her foot and scrunching her face in total defiance of the whole process I have been putting myself through... In total disbelief that I would dare to change myself... in total disregard for the fact that I have not accepted no as a lifestyle and refuse to stop growing into the person I know I am meant to be.... oh she is right there... some days she is louder. And some days, I can't even hear her. Today... today she is rather loud and obnoxious.

So... for now... I put her to bed, hoping that tomorrow, her voice of doubt and disbelief, mockery and self-disgust will have faded into the abyss in which she normally resides, and that the woman I have created and carved out of so much adversity will shine through and offer grace and mercy to those around her.

World of Words

A friend of mine asked on facebook what it is to be a writer, and while I have yet to reply to his thread, it is something I have given much thought, both recently and in months and years past. For me, being a writer is having this "itch" that can only be soothed through writing: this irrepressible need to express the storm inside, the thoughts and feelings brimming to the top and about to spill over... I have always had a love relationship with words. I find them fascinating and love seeing how they work together to form a sentence. I notice their nuances and their structure, and I'm always searching for just the right word for just the right sentence or phrase.

A song with good lyrics is still a good song. It takes a lot for me to say that, since I'm a huge music person as well and won't listen to a song that's off key. But words crafted together with beautiful notes is one of the best things in life. Music spun together like a breeze and words brought together as a conduit of communication thrills my heart.

So... in my world, the daily "itch" is not likened to something "else", but rather the desire and longing to create a world of words and music that speaks to those around me. Words that pierce the soul and make the reader reach out for more...

God Renovates Our Souls

God must break through several hard, exterior barriers in our lives before He can renovate our souls. His persistent goal is to break through to the inner person. What are those resistant layers in our hearts, and how does He break through to that hidden part? First, he finds pride. And He uses the sand paper of obscurity to remove it ever so gradually. Then He finds us gripped by fear- dread of our past, anxiety over our present and the terror over what may lie ahead- and He uses the passing of time to remove that fear. We learn that things aren't out of hand at all; they're in His hand. He next encounters the barrier of resentment- the tyranny of bitterness. He breaks down that layer with solitude. In the silence of His presence, we gain a fresh perspective, gradually release out cherished rights, and let go of the expectations that held us hostage.


"Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom." -Psalm 51:6


-Charles Swindoll
Wisdom for the Way

Diapers, wipes, cheerios, oh my!

I'm not sure when my life became about diapers and play groups and which baby puffs are the best, but it's like I've become a mother overnight, without any of the trepidation or anxiety of looking forward to a new birth. I love my job- don't get me wrong, but this new life of mine is one I find myself musing about quite a bit. I mean, I look after another woman's children for a living, knowing full well that they could be mine. I'm of the correct age, the "proper" place in my life for that sort of thing and yet, they aren't mine. And the more and more I've thought about it, I'm okay with it. I did expect to be in this place at this point in my life, but I'm not. So... again, I see that the reality that life actually gives us from the choices we actually make, is a lot different than the "reality" we thought we would make in the life we were given. So... for now, I explore diapers.com with enthusiasm, feed the psycho little dog her pills with cheese and fold little people's laundry, knowing that some day, the choices I make in these days will bring about a different "reality" than I now experience.

Reflective

The changing seasons always make me reflective. As the air turns from warm and sticky to cool and windy or the first smell of spring drifts in on the cold tentacles of winter, I look to the sky and search for meaning in the changing of times. I realize I have lived, and yet on most days it seems like the world has passed me by and I forgot to make an impression on the time that was given to me. So many of my days find me surrounded by people, noise and commotion and on the ones where the silence assails me, I always have to adjust and remember how to embrace it. I love the solitude. I love the rest that comes from being alone. But I always forget until I have stumbled into it.

And so... today as I have transitioned into silence, since I have spent the day with myself, I remember the joy of being with others and the fact that God calls us to commune not only with him, but the reason he has put us on this earth with others is to connect and be with them. As someone who finds herself restored while alone, there is something to be said for establishing deep, resourceful friendships, relationships and ongoing conversations. So, today, I challenge myself to create these "ships" in order to design a fuller, more complete human being. What I'm suggesting may not seem like much to some. To create new friends comes so easy to some and I used to be like them. But after it seems as if the whole world has turned away, it makes trusting a little bit harder; it makes sharing with others difficult. So, I have to think on how to do it. I have to remember what it is to be in relationship with others.

I have attached a collage I made. There are still spots open. There are still spaces in my life that need to be filled. All of the people in this collage are people who I hold close to my heart and long to have relationship with. Some are in my life still and some are not. For some the fact that they are no longer in my daily existence is a good thing; for some it is the outcome of circumstances I wish could be different. Regardless, the people in those pictures have impacted my life in some way- in some unique way. Each of them holds a lesson that I have learned in this life of mine, most in the past couple of years. So... I leave spots open. For those who have yet to come, for those who are on the precipice of my life- I leave blank spaces for them to fill... for new memories to be made....

Lead Me

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone




Sanctus Real
-Lead Me