The Petulant Child

My best friend said something to me recently. She said, "to be in relationship with adults, you have to be one." Simple, right? But I find myself continually returning to childish ways and frustrations, and then find myself becoming all the more frustrated, seeing as I'm acting childish. It's this division in myself that I'm not quite sure I yet understand. I think it leads back to the section in Romans when the apostle Paul talks about the fact that he does the things he does not want- in fact he says he does what he HATES, when he would rather do what he wants- which is what is right and good and true. And I understand that what he is speaking of is sin and what I wrestle with currently is not a sinful situation, but I do know that the childish behaviors when indulged could lead to sin. So... I wrestle. And I attempt to make different choices, which I hope will lead to different results and different outcomes. I attempt to make healthier decisions, which I hope will lead to a stronger person, a more mature person. But the petulant child is camped out right next door, stomping her foot and scrunching her face in total defiance of the whole process I have been putting myself through... In total disbelief that I would dare to change myself... in total disregard for the fact that I have not accepted no as a lifestyle and refuse to stop growing into the person I know I am meant to be.... oh she is right there... some days she is louder. And some days, I can't even hear her. Today... today she is rather loud and obnoxious.

So... for now... I put her to bed, hoping that tomorrow, her voice of doubt and disbelief, mockery and self-disgust will have faded into the abyss in which she normally resides, and that the woman I have created and carved out of so much adversity will shine through and offer grace and mercy to those around her.