Undeterred

Now I understand why people build walls.

When there are no walls, the pain slides in-

Unwelcome and unwanted.

Now I understand why people prefer walls to fences.

When there are fences, the anger leaps over-

Unbridled and unchecked.

Now I understand why people forget to build bridges.

When there are bridges, a betrayer can cross them-

Unhindered and unrestricted.

Now I understand why people close the gate.

When the gate is shut, the disappointment stays outside-

Unnecessary and undesired.

Now I understand why people should try and tear down the walls.

When the walls are down, the love flows in-

Unaltered and unaffected.

Now I understand why people should build fences instead.

When the fences are up, grace can still find a way through-

Unmerited and undeserved.

Now I understand why people need to build bridges.

When the bridges are open, forgiveness can cross-

Unimpeded and unobstructed.

Now I understand why people should choose to open the gate.

When the gate is released, Jesus can walk through-

Unconstrained and uninhibited.

-Sarah Scholl                                                                                                                                                    2 January 09

Questions for Writing

I am haunted... by who I used to be, by what I used to be like, by where I used to be emotionally, by the choices that led me to where I was, by my upbringing, by the people in my past, by "this abstract person" who I think is me... My first reaction is to run and run fast. My second response is that I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to fight who I used to be, what I used to be like, where I used to be emotionally... I don't want to push against the choices I made out of ignorance and lack of understanding... I don't want to resist the people who shaped me in the ways they did- for good or for bad. I don't want to fight anymore. And I realize, the person I want to become and am slowly becoming is only a reality if those other things aren't the foundation of who I am anymore. Or rather... they can't dictate how I move forward.  I can't make decisions out of naivite and blindness and expect different results than I've always had. But my soul is tormented! At times the past looms far greater and seemingly far stronger than the future could ever seem. Overcoming the obstacles of bad decisions, unacceptance, judgment and poor worth is a far stronger demon than planning the future and finding the answers on how to live a new life of good decisions, acceptance, leaving the judgment to God and understanding self beauty on the inside and out.

So how? How can the past coexist with the present? Beyond showing me what not to do in many many situations, I am at a loss for how to make the future a new reality. I am at a loss for how to keep going. I am at a loss and feel defeated by so much. And so... I write. Some days, it's the only thing that makes even the remotest sense. Some days, it's all I have. Writing makes a sliver of the angst subside, for a short time, at least. Writing holds the tempest at bay. Writing crystalizes the minute details and makes moving forward seem like a possibility, if not a reality. If I can write it, there's a chance it might come true. There's a chance I could find the resolve within myself to not give up on the exceptional journey of change I find myself on. Writing yanks truth out of fantasy and into authenticity. The truth that I must go on. The truth that I am stronger than I think. The truth that "this abstract person" will soon be one with the person I am now and I will be better for it.

50 Lessons Life Taught Me

50 Lessons Life Taught Me

By Regina Brett

1. 

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.


2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.


4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.


5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.


7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.


9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.


10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.


12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.


13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.


15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.


16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.


18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.


20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.


22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.


23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.


24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"


27. Always choose life.


28. Forgive everyone everything.


29. What other people think of you is none of your business.


30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.


31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.


36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.


40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.


41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.


42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.


43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.


44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.


45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.


47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.


48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.


50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift...

Relinquishing Control

Remember when I talked about being an adult in a relationship? Well... I wasn't talking about just romantically. It's all relationships. And it's hard. The thing I struggle with the most is letting people be- just letting them have the reaction and the response and the choice to do as they want. I can't make them act, talk or be the way I want them to be. I can only let them be who they are and love them the best I can. It's so frustrating though! With certain people in my life, especially. When I want them to be happy for me and they can't get out their own way... when I want them to stop acting so selfishly and see how different I am... (now who's acting selfish?! Yes, I know these desires basically make me selfish, but I still desire it.) This has to be how God feels. I think of Bruce in Bruce Almighty when he has God's powers and tries to force Grace (his girlfriend) to love him again. He stands in the playground and outstretches his arms and cries out, "Love me! LOVE ME!!" And she turns around and says, "I did." I think that's how we treat God many times. He wants to love us. He has so much to offer us- new beginnings and new life, and all we offer him are sloppy seconds. And I'm not likening myself to God in the situations above, but I ache for the understanding of how to love people who can't love themselves and in turn say and do hurtful things.

I'm stumped. I think it would be easy if these people were people I only had to talk to once in a while or people I barely saw. But no, it's people close to me. People whose opinions are supposed to matter. And they can't... because their opinions are so unhealthy and so embittered, it's like poison. So... how do I love them in spite of themselves? How do I stay strong against what feels like an assault on the person I want to be? How do I change to be more Christlike? How do I keep my expectations for these people in check? Because in a lot of ways, that's what it comes down to. I can't expect them to respond the way I want them to. I can't expect them to be the way I want them to. I can only expect them to give what they have, which in many cases may not be very much. Not very much at all...

Blessings

Well... it's an anniversary of sorts... Yesterday marked one year from the time I began this blog. Interesting journey... (read the dry wit I'm trying to infuse into the words) I remember that night, sitting on my bed, restless, lonely, aching and feeling at the end of my rope... I was at the end for a long time and just tied a knot and hung on. And the next few months felt like a dizzying drunken (metaphorically of course) out of control attempt to correct the way life was going. But you've all read about it... I don't need to rehash it here. Today is more about musing on where I have ended up. Today is more about smiles and sunshine and new beginnings. I remember saying that life was different after I wasn't with him anymore... not bad, not good, just different. And now... it's different again, but in such an incredible way. My prayer for the last couple of months was that God would show me how I needed to be ready to face new things in my life. After months of change, to actually have positive change and recognize it for what it is, is a big deal. And change has arrived: good change. Change that makes me into a better person. Oh, the change I went through... I'm a better person for it, for sure, but that's not what I'm talking about. This is different change. This... brings a soft smile to my lips. This... is the kind that makes my best friend say, "Whoa, I haven't seen you happy like this in a LONG time." This... feels like a blessing- the kind that God has been waiting to give me. And it's not just about one person or one situation. It's the culmination of different choices to be a different person and praying that in the end all the hard work I did will make the future a more remarkable place. I don't feel like I'm explaining it well- using the same words over and over.. But I'm not sure I need to. I know that life is changing again and I really like it. I know life is in a positive place and that I'm still leaning on the everlasting arms for all my answers and it really feels like this direction I'm headed in is the one he wants me to go down. We'll see... but I do know, I can hope, and pray and in the process... I'm learning to LIVE again!