Questions for Writing

I am haunted... by who I used to be, by what I used to be like, by where I used to be emotionally, by the choices that led me to where I was, by my upbringing, by the people in my past, by "this abstract person" who I think is me... My first reaction is to run and run fast. My second response is that I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to fight who I used to be, what I used to be like, where I used to be emotionally... I don't want to push against the choices I made out of ignorance and lack of understanding... I don't want to resist the people who shaped me in the ways they did- for good or for bad. I don't want to fight anymore. And I realize, the person I want to become and am slowly becoming is only a reality if those other things aren't the foundation of who I am anymore. Or rather... they can't dictate how I move forward.  I can't make decisions out of naivite and blindness and expect different results than I've always had. But my soul is tormented! At times the past looms far greater and seemingly far stronger than the future could ever seem. Overcoming the obstacles of bad decisions, unacceptance, judgment and poor worth is a far stronger demon than planning the future and finding the answers on how to live a new life of good decisions, acceptance, leaving the judgment to God and understanding self beauty on the inside and out.

So how? How can the past coexist with the present? Beyond showing me what not to do in many many situations, I am at a loss for how to make the future a new reality. I am at a loss for how to keep going. I am at a loss and feel defeated by so much. And so... I write. Some days, it's the only thing that makes even the remotest sense. Some days, it's all I have. Writing makes a sliver of the angst subside, for a short time, at least. Writing holds the tempest at bay. Writing crystalizes the minute details and makes moving forward seem like a possibility, if not a reality. If I can write it, there's a chance it might come true. There's a chance I could find the resolve within myself to not give up on the exceptional journey of change I find myself on. Writing yanks truth out of fantasy and into authenticity. The truth that I must go on. The truth that I am stronger than I think. The truth that "this abstract person" will soon be one with the person I am now and I will be better for it.