Ahhh... trust. I often find that at the other end of trust is doubt. So great are my insecurities that I find myself plagued by self-doubt. So great is my lack of trust, that I instinctively recoil at it. I have gotten so used to second guessing myself that I find myself caught between two worlds. The one world is the world where I used to know how to do everything. I orchestrated life. I controlled emotion, love, friendship- I was a master manipulator. I never felt an emotion I didn't want or couldn't explain away. And I didn't live. The other world is this new, scary world where I know next to nothing. Everything has changed. And I see life through a completely different lens in this world. In this world, I am afraid I feel too much; I worry too much; I ache for a life I think I'm made for, regardless of the reality that I might not be emotionally ready for it. But I'm living.
Every situation, emotion, person or relationship is caught between these two worlds. Is the best way to clench decisions more closely or to let it go? Just let it go and let God have his way with it. To figure out how to fit each situation, each emotion, each person, each relationship into the correct parameters of life is a foreign behavior. I constantly find myself judging whether or not I am manipulating or simply experiencing life and allowing God to work.
"Are you asleep?"
"No, I was praying."
"For what?"
"That I could just let it go..."
And that is still my prayer- for all the situations, for all the emotions, for every person and every relationship. It's not anything I can do or say or be. I can only allow God to work through me. And be thankful. Be thankful I'm alive. Be thankful I'm a child of God. For I know this much is true... even when the world tilts and feels as though it's axis has shifted, I can simply let it go.
Every situation, emotion, person or relationship is caught between these two worlds. Is the best way to clench decisions more closely or to let it go? Just let it go and let God have his way with it. To figure out how to fit each situation, each emotion, each person, each relationship into the correct parameters of life is a foreign behavior. I constantly find myself judging whether or not I am manipulating or simply experiencing life and allowing God to work.
"Are you asleep?"
"No, I was praying."
"For what?"
"That I could just let it go..."
And that is still my prayer- for all the situations, for all the emotions, for every person and every relationship. It's not anything I can do or say or be. I can only allow God to work through me. And be thankful. Be thankful I'm alive. Be thankful I'm a child of God. For I know this much is true... even when the world tilts and feels as though it's axis has shifted, I can simply let it go.
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