Beautiful Things

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new


by Gungor

Good

I've taken a long time to try and find answers. I'm still finding them, although it isn't as often as it used to be. I think I might finally have it figured it out. At least to the point of muddling through as a somewhat functioning human being, rather than a cosmic emotional wreck. And the thing I have figured is that I don't have much figured at all. I know what not to do- to the point of being able to make fairly healthy life choices. But... other than that, the things I thought I wanted aren't necessarily the things life is going to give me. And I've come to a place of acceptance about that. About all of them. Some of them I have more peace about (like living in NJ indefinitely) and some I have less peace about (like being a mother). Regardless... life is no longer a daily struggle to survive. I'm aware I have far less control over pretty much everything in my life. And I don't say that in "I've given up" kind of way. I just realize that so much that I concern myself about and worry about is really nothing to perplex myself with.

Love will happen when it's supposed to, in the way that it's supposed to. Grace truly is a way of life and can come from a reservoir of understanding, compassion and love. Trust takes a long time to build. A really long time. New trust. Trust in God, trust in others, trust in self. Once trust has been broken so completely, it takes a lot of love to patch it up again. A lot, a lot, a lot. And time. I've learned that you have to give time time. Think on that. Time has to be given time to work, to pass, to heal.

I'm not sure how much I'll be writing anymore. It's gotten less and less over the last few months. I don't feel like I'm fighting for answers to rebuild life anymore. I don't feel like I'm scraping by, living life in crisis anymore. I haven't felt in crisis for a very long time. I've felt this way for a while. Like the answers I'm supposed to have found for this chapter in my life have been found. Or at least overturned and brought to light. Life isn't in shambles anymore. Life is beautiful- in the broken places, in the reworked places, in the grace filled places- which is nearly all of it. And that, that is good. 

Sometimes...

Sometimes I forget the promises of that morning on the beach. The way the waves crashed into the shore, like his love overwhelming my heart.  Sometimes I forget that afternoon when he soothed my soul, after I yielded to his voice. Sometimes I forget all the answers he gave when I sought them. Sometimes, I forget.

Sometimes, I wish I could generate on the spot the way my spirit feels when he speaks to me so directly and bluntly. The way the weight lifts and I am so aware of the fact that I’m not alone. I don’t think everyone experiences God this way. It’s amazing. It’s engulfing and overpowering. It makes everything else fade away.

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, a part of me is back on that beach, with its silence and unadulterated perfection. With only the birds on the surf’s edge and the waves rolling in, white with foam. Sometimes, I feel the least lonely when I am alone. When I choose to be alone and seek only God. I wish I could be back there on that morning, when I woke up at 5:30 a.m. without a reason, except to go to the beach to watch the sunrise. To relish in the promises of a new day. I know my life would be vastly different if I took time each morning to watch the sun come up over the horizon and also watch it as it slunk below the line across the sky.

Sometimes, I ache to be back there, with the sand, the warmth, the soft wind, the sticky feel of sunscreen… I miss it. Everyone aches for vacation when they are not on it, but rarely does anyone ache for reality when one is on vacation. Funny, how that is.

So for now, this is one of the sometimes… one of those times that I long to close my eyes and be on that beach in the cool of the morning, before the sand has turned hot and toasty and is cool and smooth as I run it through my fingers, oh so very slowly. I feel as though today is like the walk back to the motel where there, on the balcony, my companion waited, sipping coffee, watching the cars race by. Today is that walk, rather than the quiet reflection on the beach that calmed my weary, emotionally stretched heart. Today is the return to reality, rather than the promises so vividly revealed through the sun streaming through the wispy clouds of doubt. Today, I have to remember harder than before, so I can still sense the assurance of his possibilities.

Promises

I always feel like there is promise in each sunrise and sunset. It's one of the most eloquent ways God speaks to us to remind us to slow down and taste his beauty- his creation.

Bucket List- Summer 2011- update

Publish the book

White Water Rafting

Volunteer at the hospital

Fire a gun- Hit the target (Guns for Hire class- $175)

Go to Italy for a month (or more)

Take a pottery class- make something worthwhile

Forgive those I don’t want to forgive

Parasailing

Zipline

Rainforest

Learn Mandolin, Guitar, something

Long term mission trip

Spend meaningful time in each state(half way there) (Mt. Rushmore, 4 Corners, San Diego Zoo, Memphis) still to go

Archeological dig

International Jazz Festival?

Join a bookclub

Hot air balloon ride

Skydiving

Kite boarding- includes kite surfing

Climb a pretty lighthouse

Ride a motorcycle Buy a motorcycle

Jet ski (while somewhere exotic)

Advanced cooking class

Cruise

Archery

A day at the Beach

I sit on the boulevard, the balcony of the motel to my left. Room 7. Seahorse Motel. 2 Beds. An ice machine. A small pool, despite the ocean mere yards away on all sides. With a friend I know and barely know all at the same time. Other unreliable friends bailed and the weekend has become only ours. (I could write more on that...) It was supposed to rain... all day, but I have not felt a single tear drop. Lightning split the sky only once.

It smells like everything summer here. The sand, the salt, the imminent rain fall, rubber tires, sweet tangy cuisine smells waft over the air. I see distant roof tops with white rails and pale chairs. The tattered American flag battles against the wind, frayed from a thousand other gusty encounters. The cars start and stop on the road below, so much so that when they finally stop for good, a smattering of a few faint notes of music overtakes the incessant hum and drone of the tires.

Seagulls catch an air current and glide silently overhead, far different than their loud, jesting and mocking caws from today at the beach. And, oh! the beach! With its coarse rough sand finding every bit of skin, hair, cloth... with the slick sticky feel of sunscreen on a body... with the stranded jelly fish like clear shining orbs of other worldly flesh, like rubbery sand dollar pancakes littered profusely all along the waters' edge... with the infrequent whistle to remind some wayward swimmer he is too far from the flags... umbrellas, delightful screams of a toddler being chased by a wave, an unmindful companion drifting to sleep on the blanket, trashy books that only have a place in this place, drip castles, walks down the boulevard, with a dog or two in tow, strolls along the surf- dodging sand-coated children, fishing polls, and boogie boarding teenagers...

Life at the beach exists on a different dimension. It's a life of rolled up pant legs and no shoes, where biking or walking is the preferred method of transport. It's a world with unbridled laughter and squeals of surprise. Time exists differently here. The world seems to know how to breathe. Everything makes sense. Everything is justified.

"Awake... My Soul..."

After a while, you get to the point where letting go is a choice that is familiar and habit. After a while, you realize that really life is going to happen no matter what you do. There’s only so much you can do to happen to life before you cross the line of too much control and orchestration. There’s a difference between being proactive and allowing life to flow without manipulation. And after you learn to let go time and time again, it becomes this comforting blanket of peace that engulfs all decisions and steps along the journey. That in and of itself is calming. The knowledge that the burden is not yours. It belongs to another. Another who promises to direct your paths and ways. Ah… the peace in that. You don’t understand it until you understand it. Until that bridge of trust is built and then tentatively crossed. There is so much peace on the other side- just waiting for you. How beautiful and wonderful and amazing! Life is simply happening! It’s like paddling and paddling through the rapids and then… gliding along through the calm patch, knowing that eventually you’ll have to paddle and correct the course again. But knowing… knowing that for now, life can be observed and experienced and tasted. Such joy in watching your soul awake!

Wanderings of a broken heart.

Born into a life of dysfunction and unrest, I never knew the security and innocence that a child, not better loved, but better prepared, better cared for, better understood- so maybe better loved... that a child from a different background would never understand.

I always felt like a part of me was limping along, still bruised and aching from a childhood I never fully accepted with all it's misgivings, pain, wishes, and mistakes. From a childhood with an emotionally distant and overbearing father and a mother with an emotional bundle of past hauntings. Honestly, when society deemed me an adult, I was little more than a still frighten kid, trying to act like an adult. In college, I felt like most of my friends had the adult thing figured out, and I was an ace at faking it til I made it. So, I played along. Played adult, when really, I had no idea how the heck to live. When really, I was just trying to absorb good memories to make up for a lifetime of difficult and sad ones. 

I had this idea of what life should look like. Based on what? I don't know. I was never really one of those girls who planned their wedding with the Prince Charming. My stories were of adventure and far off places and the person to share it with me was sort of a given. Like he'd sort of just fall into my life and it would work. He'd just be there. A part of the story, but not the main part. The adventures were the main story. 

But I never really felt free to live life the way I dreamed it. I was either ill-equipped to do so or ignorant of the way to get there. And so, as a walking cliche, I looked for things to fill that void. So often, and I'm guessing here, when early years are filled with fear and uncertainty, it takes years to shake those feelings. Sometimes, it never happens. It is simply accepted that this is how life is, always full of fear and confusion. It is an amazingly simple lie and cycle to be in. It is increasingly difficult to identify the problem. The lie easily becomes the life. 

What happened to me, almost three years ago now, was I got sick of living the lie. I felt like I was drowning in a life I had willingly created, but hated with every fiber of my being. I felt like the life I thought I was supposed to have "fall into place" didn't exist. It was hard work. Anyone who has been married will tell you that marriage is super hard work. But at the same time, certain common denominators need to be in place. Usually, this is figured out before the marriage starts... And I realized, I didn't want to live my life being lied to, cheated on, habitually betrayed, and appeased and placated time and time again, for taking offense to these things. 

Fast forward two point five years give or take. Brokenness is no longer a way of life. I know now my parents did the best they could. They loved me with all they had, even when it didn't seem like it was enough. I have peace with that. Some days it's harder than others, but most times, the peace is present. Adventures are back to being the main plot line of life. Reforming who I am as a whole person has been a scary process. I'm not sure I ever gave myself the chance before, so that in and of itself has been quite the adventure. 

Sometimes, I think back on that time of my life. My divorce caused enough trauma that it forced me to live a different way. It irrevocably changed my inner self. The person I forced myself to be to escape a less than pleasant childhood is now replaced with a woman who has been worn out by life, who has seen herself shattered on the ground, and still allowed a God she now loves and trusts to put her back together. No longer does she need to do it herself. Self love and acceptance has come from finding trust in a God she always knew but never understood or appreciated. 

I know I still have a lot of answers to find. I know that I haven't figured it all out. But I think I'm at a spot that I can live life somewhat successfully. When I started this blog, I barely had enough pieces of life to stand on, never mind walk forward. And now, life is simply creating itself. Think on that. With tender care and attentiveness, a garden is planted and cared for. And then... it simply grows and expands. Life simply happens. 

No longer am I focusing on what I don't have, but rather what I do have and what life has to offer by simply being me. I'm pretty sure most people already have this figured out, but I didn't. Always grasping for control and orchestrating life... and now... I can let go and let life simply happen. It has been an important answer to find. 

And interestingly enough, people are noticing. At the risk of sounding conceited, people are talking! When they see me, they say things like, "You look radiant, wonderful, beautiful, amazing, stunning." That's impressive! No one has ever said that before... In the words of my best friend... "That means even on your wedding day." So, I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm doing something really right. I feel like the self acceptance, love, mercy and grace I have for myself can now be extended to others and the others are noticing. And that in an of itself is an incredible validation. I can move forward from that. 

Finally, I'm moving forward based on positive past experiences. Finally, I'm making the life I wanted but didn't know how to make. Finally, I have learned enough to make life worthwhile and successful. Finally, I have a good jumping off point. 

Every day is a chance for a second chance. 

Where I've Been a Wandering....

Attraversiamo...

Attraversiamo- "Let's cross over."

"I understand the full weight of this for you."

How to put that weight into words?

Let's cross over... to where? how? with whom? And what happens when we get there? 

Bucket List

Publish the book

White Water Rafting

Volunteer at the hospital- premie wing

Fire a gun- Hit the target

Go to Italy for a month (or more) (learn Italian)

Take a pottery class- make something worthwhile

Forgive those I don’t want to forgive

Parasailing

Zipline

Rainforest

Learn to play an instrument- piano, mandolin or guitar

Long term mission trip

Egypt

Publish a book of poetry

Spend meaningful time in each state. (half way there) (Mt. Rushmore, 4 Corners, San Diego Zoo, Memphis)

Take a cruise

See the inside of a lighthouse- a pretty one

Rock climbing (not in the gym)

Archery

Advanced cooking class

Time on an archeological dig.

10 Guidelines from God

Found this interesting tidbit online. Enjoy!

Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please follow these 10 guidelines.

1. QUIT WORRYING: Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST: Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can’t help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all…….God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME: Once you’ve given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE: Don’t wake up one morning and say, “Well, I’m feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here.” Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It’s simple. You gave Me your burdens and I’m taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don’t you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I’m in control. But there’s one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don’t forget to talk to Me – OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH: I see a lot of things from up here that you can’t see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I’m doing. Trust Me; you wouldn’t want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE: You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven’t heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT: I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND: Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for fellowship — to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don’t ever forget……

Think on Such Things

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!  Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 New Living Translation)

Pastor Sue: 

Paul tells us to rejoice in everything and not to be anxious, but we think it means that if we do that, God will make everything "work out all right" for us- we'll be okay, bad things won't happen, everything will calm down and our worst fears will never come to pass. Wouldn't that be the point of "not being anxious?" After all- our anxiety usually comes from trying to control circumstances to keep "the worst" away! If we give up anxiety, doesn't the burden of making things work out all right then fall on God? 

But that's not what Paul says in the verses above. What he says is, rejoice. Be famously gentle. Don't be anxious. Pray, pray, pray and be thankful. And the result is, whatever the situation, the peace of God which transcends understanding, (in other word, given the situation it makes no sense!) will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. There is no guarantee that our hopes and dreams will come to pass; there are no promises that bad things, from the world's point of view, won't happen, even if- especially if- we have given our lives to Jesus. Instead we are promised that God knows us personally, has already guaranteed our ultimate safety in him...

I have things to say on this. It's all rattling around in my brain. Like the fact that that little phrase, "guard your hearts" keeps popping up in my life... like the fact that the Greek word used in this case is also used in 1 Peter 1:5 in a "guarding the garrison" context. Protection, safety, trust... peace. 

In many ways, I keep waiting for the days when the worst won't happen, when pieces won't need to be picked up, when the dreams do truly start to come true. And then, I'm reminded of kingdom things and that I need to get over myself and realize it's not about me. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the "what-ifs" that I forget to live for the real reason I'm here. It's hard to think about what ifs when there's rejoicing going on. Think about it. How hard is it to worry and be anxious when there's some serious singing going on Sunday morning? Or when you're holding a new baby? Or when you get incredible news about something positive in your life? 

I know I tend to lean toward the melancholy of life. I understand why. There's a lot in my life to be sad about. To struggle with. Some of it has been of my own making and some of it not so much. But as Pastor Sue points out, Paul had quite a bit of that in his life. He spent the entire first part of his career thinking he was some hot shot. He created a significant world for himself- only to have God come in and completely transform it. I understand to some small extent how he must have felt. He thought life was going to go one way and God had other plans. 

There is some uncertainty in that. If you were to tell someone who did not understand faith or God that you were going to just follow what God said instead of what you had created for yourself, that person would think you were crazy! And yet, that's what we do as Christians. We put our trust and faith in the unseen. God's plans are largely unknown to us. He sees the ultimate "big picture" and we don't always understand where we fit into it. So, we scramble to try and grasp control of something- anything. And what he asks of us is the complete opposite. He offers peace that is uncomprehensible when we give up the control. That's scary!!! It takes a huge amount of trust! It feels like standing on the edge of the cliff and taking a deep breath before plunging downward into what you are certain will be a tragic end. It's a series of that moment right before you leap when your heart is beating a million beats a minute, you've squeezed your eyes shut so tightly, and you're not sure you can breathe. But after you take the leap, and you can open your eyes, you realize you won't fall because Christ is beside you, holding you up and the sights you see with him by your side are greater than you could ever see standing on that cliff by yourself. 

I wonder if Paul was trying to remind himself of all that. That transformation in Christ is scary, but worth it. That rejoicing sometimes seems harder than floundering in the what ifs. But I think it's more that he reached that place where he was living more for Christ than the world. Think about that! I know my life is not at that place. Where a greater percentage of my thinking is about Christ and kingdom things, rather than me and my own personal stuff. The next verses in Philippians talk about things we should think on. ("whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy") Paul gives us those because he knows that if we think on these things, it's easier to rejoice. The what ifs, the lost dreams, the things of the world- they will seem distant if you're thinking on those other positive things. If we put into practice those positive things, Paul knows that those are the things we'll start to think about and then start to live out. And they are steps on the road to kingdom things.

There are more thoughts... More answers to be found...

Poetry

"Poetry spills from the cracks of a broken heart, but flows from one which is loved."

First Draft:

The art of crying

A burst of anguish

A tormented cry of agony

Raw, open and bleeding

Harsh, choking and terrible

A silent steady stream-

Flowing from eyes,

Overcome already,

From a lifetime of tears.

A stunned silence

A slowly engulfing numbness

Paralyzing, incapacitating and piercing

Weary, desperate and resigned

An uneasy realization-

Seeping from wounds,

Transgressed upon before,

That life must continue on. 

-S. Scholl

1 July 2011

Life is good!

Peace

So... I feel like there should be banners or sirens or big fanfare. And the fact that there's not is actually a really good thing. Saturday marks eight years since I got engaged. Sunday marks seven years since I got married. And in a few short weeks, I'll have been divorced for two. This the part where I start in on what an incredible journey it's been. And it has. The past two years I have learned more about life and myself than the previous 26+ combined. But this is the thing. This whole week I've been dwelling on things and thinking about things- the past and such... And all I could think was, I really want this to be in the past and stop affecting the person I am today. I really want to just have a normal regular weekend and not have to worry about being upset because once upon a time this date was important.

Something I've noticed: It's one thing to say that I want change, but really the way that it comes about is by simply choosing different decisions when the time comes. Really, it's about making daily choices to live remarkably, rather than auditing life. Really, it's simply about deciding every day to be the change I want to see, not just in the world, but in my own personal life.

So... this is what I know. Who I am now could never have happened any other way than it did. I love the person I am now. The past is the past. I'm living for the present, the very best I can. And I'm happy.

Life

Safety

I wish I could explain how remarkable it is to feel safe. I'm pretty sure women struggle with this feeling more than men. In order to feel safe, we must trust. And let's face it, even Eve had issues trusting her loving God. It's the biggest reason we are fallen. I can name a multitude of reasons I don't trust, but for now, let's just say, I have issues with it and I know it. But today... today was extraordinary in it's trust inducing euphoria. Today was almost pure magic for me.

I'm not a huge people person because of my lack of trust and my past experiences. I only open up when I'm around people I trust and love and care about. And who I know I can be safe with. My last church family hurt me quite badly in their lack of support, their judgment, their meddling... with so many things. They weren't Jesus to me at a time when I really needed that ministry and care. They were everything that people outside the church negatively think Christians will be toward them in their hour of need. I had grown up in the church; I had seized my parents' faith as my own and was walking toward full time ministry. And greatly in part from their actions, I nearly walked away. From all of it. The church, the people, ministry, and the relationship I had with God, which was precious to me then, but every more cherished now.

I didn't walk away. God sent people into my life who wouldn't let me. A new friend here, a faithful stubborn pastor there... and a new church family, led by one of the most accepting and caring pastors I have ever met. And today... today was one of those times when I could look back and realize how far I have come. I felt safe at church, after many months, weeks and days of wondering if it could ever happen again. I have seen the progress and journey happening and been amazed at how God had started to create something beautiful out of something that was broken. Because my heart was broken. My heart is still broken for those people who treated me so unfairly and so unkindly.

There are certain things that I find I really like about people. And one of my most favorite things about God is his redemptive power: his ability to make things new out of nothing but broken, smashed, torn up little pieces. The power of that hope amazes me. The thought that Christ is in the business of making the pain and the broken promises, the disbelief and the mistrust, into magnificent possibilities is one of the most wondrous things I could ever imagine.

Today I saw a possibility turn into a reality. I felt like I had come home. I felt like I had come in from the cold, after a long long winter's walk. Today reminded me that God is bigger than language, greater than misunderstandings, stronger than the weather (it looked like rain today), and God is safe. Where his people truly truly are, there he is. He was in our service today, at our picnic today, and there was a palpable feeling of trust, happiness, joy and an overflowing heart of thanksgiving that unless one has tasted loss, one could not understand. For those feelings, I am overwhelmingly grateful. For my church family, I am immeasurably appreciative. And for a God who believes in second chances and new beginnings, I am forever indebted, for he saved me when I was still a sinner.

The Storm

Today had cloudless blue skies and heat you could see if you squinted. Stepping outside was like inviting the trickle of sweat to slide down your back- and not in a good way. The air simply would not move. And then... slowly, without warning, the skies turned to pencil tip gray and the wind whipped the leaves to and fro. The smell outside changed. You could sense the storm coming on wind-tips. And slowly... one by one, the rain drops started to fall. Huge droplets that smacked the pavement as they landed. And then... the sky paused, as if waiting for the rest of the storm to catch up before dropping a bucket of water on us... as if shutting a window in the dome above... But then! Then it happened! The deluge of smattering raindrops, splattering in huge gushes all over the sidewalk, the car... and me! I turned my face upward to catch them, each one magical and iridescent.

It was over by the time I reached home. Soothing soft drips slid down my cheeks as I walked to my door. The sky had turned whitish gray- the look it gets when the storm is not over, but you are assured it has partially passed. Wisps of gun metal were pushed away.... slowly, with effort. Until... in a short while, the wind will pick up again and the rain, thunder and lightning will return once more.

"After a while..."

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

A poem I found that was given to me in middle school. Still good words to live by.

Words...

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose."

"Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand."

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." –Albert Camus

"Sometimes the things we can’t change, end up changing us."

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elizabeth Kubler Ross

"Stand Tall"

Na na na na na na na
It's just another Saturday that's gone to waste

I'm tired of fighting every
Battle in the world except for mine.
I take it for granted that there's
Always someone right there by my side.

Stand tall,
I know the weight of the world won't bring me down
Stand tall,
I gotta let it go.

I've managed to let myself go
How I wish the world could let go too...
It's something I think about
When I find myself with nothing left to lose.

Stand tall,
You know the weight of the world won't bring you down
Stand tall,
You gotta be who you are
Stand tall,
You gotta let it
You gotta let it
You gotta let it
Stand tall,
You gotta let it go.

Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Na na (x3)

Stand tall,
I know the weight of the world won't bring you down
Stand tall,
You gotta be who you are
Stand tall,
You know the weight of the world won't bring you down
Stand tall,
You gotta be who you are
Stand tall,
You gotta let it
You gotta let it
You gotta let it
Stand tall,
You gotta let it go.

...it was just another Saturday


Stand Tall
-Ian Axel

"I believe"

I Believe... that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe…that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I believe…that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the     strength to help.

I believe…that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe…that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe…that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I believe…that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I believe…that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I believe…that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe…that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I believe…that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe…that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.  And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I believe…that you shouldn’t be eager to find out a secret.  It could change your life forever.

I believe…that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe…that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe…that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I believe…that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe…that we don’t have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I believe…that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe…that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe…that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe…that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, that passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe…that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe…that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe…that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe…that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe…that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who help you get back up.

Found these "I believe" statements online and wanted to share them. Some of these are new answers to questions I had and I realized I believed them after I went through the last couple of years. 

What is it I feel?

"For those who have decided to follow Jesus, being motivated by the fear of not having enough is something we are supposed to give up and unlearn. How abundant a life would it be...if we could really remove the worry about having enough from our minds? Abundance – above-and-beyondness  - means a lack of fear. So what then does “safety” mean to us? I have heard it said that the only safe place is to be in the center of God’s will. I wish I could find the origin of that quote. It makes sense, doesn't it? He sets us free from worrying about the length of our years – we will live forever and abundantly with him. He sets us free from worrying about having “enough” – our heavenly Father knows what we need. And he sets us free from having to protect ourselves." -Pastor Sue "Abundant Life" 15 May 11 

Conversation that followed:

S: Mind sending me your sermon from yesterday? It was one I needed to hear, yet again.

PS: Sure- Here you go!

S: Thanks- spent a lot of the past week focusing on the things I didn't have rather than the things I do have. It was a good reminder to hear what I should really be focusing on. And I struggle with fear. I feel like I'm always afraid. So for me, abundant life is hard to accept. It's hard to trust in that safety. I have learned that I can, but I still struggle with it. 

PS: Why do you suppose you're so afraid? 

S: I think a lot of it has to do with my upbringing. It was a lot to overcome as an only child without anyone to share it with- without anyone else to understand that particular situation the way I do- or at least similarly to the way I do. I've always struggled with fear, not like the "there are monsters under my bed", but more (at the risk of sounding overly dramatic) diabolical. The only peace I have ever found has been in Christ. But I still struggle. 

PS: well, that's something I'm pretty sure Jesus plans to heal.  If you want him to.  Hard to give up old patterns, though, I know.  I agree that it comes with counting the ways that God has "added these things as well" (Matt 6) all along.  You've survived some big things - ought to count for something!  The Devil is defeated.  :>)

S: Each day is a day of healing. Some days are more difficult to move forward from. Old patterns of coping, dealing, of fear... it's not what I want for my life, but sometimes there is comfort in the thing we know, no matter how destructive it is. It's hard to let go. I have issues with letting things go. (I have issues..) ;-) I want to do more than just survive the things! I want my life to be one of un-crisis, which means making different decisions this time around. I feel vastly ill-prepared for healthy living, having only known unhealthy and seeing it repeated in the lives of my parents and many others makes it difficult to go against the tide. 

PS: Oh, indeed! I see the comfort of unhealthy patterns being clung to all the time! (Can't see it as easily in myself! ;-)). I agree - thrive, not survive! Jesus says it's about giving up our own lives; Paul said it was about offering ourselves as living sacrifices. I guess that means putting all the hopes + dreams on the altar, and receiving back whichever ones the Lord thinks are good for us...or for his purpose in us/in the cosmos. The trust thing is what it's all about.

S: Is this what Paul (I think) is talking about when he talks about struggling against the flesh? This ongoing struggle that we put different names to? Like, I struggle with fear, loneliness, and trust. (those are the big ones) I wonder if what I struggle with is more universal to the human race than just to me and the things I struggle with may not be exactly what others deal with but they have their own version of it? I just wonder if it's not really all about me in the ways that I think it is. And it's more about humanity itself.

PS: Absolutely!! What is the devil all about but pointing out we're alone, we've been robbed, nobody loves us esp not God, and we'd better take care of ourselves (+be on the lookout for more robberies)? Oh, and we're not lovable. So hide that lest someone find out.

So... what do you think? Have I found more answers? Or more questions? Is what I feel something that each of us feels and refuses to acknowledge except in that deepest darkest place? 

Grief

For me, grief happens rather easily. For me, the melancholy is only a step away. For me, only one part of life can be grieved at once. This is part of the reason why divorce is so difficult. Part of the grief process is identifying exactly what is causing the pain and marking the loss, so acceptance can eventually come. But so often, in divorce situations, there is so much loss all at once, it's hard for the body to physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually keep up.

And I have come to realize now that I'm on the "other side" of things- not living in crisis, not going through it all, now that life has stabilized, I still live in fear of grief. A sad thing happened to a dear friend of mine recently and the entire week she was waiting for this news- good or bad, I had this sense of unease. I couldn't write. It was like someone had put a block of concrete in front of me. I couldn't make the words come. And I found myself groping for the reasons for my discontent, my pain, my restlessness... my grief. I did finally deduce the reason for it all, but it made it no less uncomfortable. I realized, I was grieving with her. I've come to the conclusion that grief has more to do with loss than death, and death is simply a more tangible monkier to hang upon it.

The week while I was waiting for this news, I found myself inundated with feelings of grief from past losses. It makes perfect sense, now that I can look back on it. While on the verge of another instance of grief, the shadows of past losses wrapped around me like a suffocating blanket. I know that life is full of losses- for some more than others. I know that it is simply a reality that we are faced with since we live in a fallen world. But the pain of identifying it never grows any less terrible. I think in many ways we all have grief we are trying to work through on a daily basis. Some of us just have a heavier burden than others, from past choices, from past mistakes, from past circumstances. And we all try to move forward in the slow, clumsy, broken way, as best we can.


"When you are sorrowful, look again at your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight." -Kahil Gibran

What If?

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know it, if you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life
That you don't want me there by your side

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know when you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Oh - Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right,
Let's take a breath, jump over the side.
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right,
You know that darkness always turns into light.
Ooh-ooh, that's right 

What If?

Coldplay

Blessings- Laura Story

Found this amazing song that spoke to my heart.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Blessings

Laura Story

The Restless Drum

I have this habit of keeping almost all of my correspondence. Just about every email I've written in the last decade is saved in my sent folder. I have a huge box of letters from my best friend in high school (before email). And I save emails I receive as well. I got a chance to reread some of those emails from before my life changed so drastically. It was like reading prose from a different person. Like I hadn't written it. I believed in people. I put myself out there. I wasn't afraid to make things happen. That restless drum I've written about? It drove me to make the world a better place. I was involved in an incredible church that offered amazing ministry opportunities, in which I was happy to play "Suzy-Churchgoer" and always tried to volunteer for. I was shocked at my candor and optimism. I was enthralled by my lack of mistrust and eagerness. Most of all, I was saddened that I've lost much of that. In exchanged for maturity and dare I say it, wisdom, I lost a sense of youthful hope. Instead of engaging people, I now hold them far away with sarcasm and skepticism.

That restless drum? It used to beat loudly with the beat of loneliness. It used to resound vehemently with fear. Now that I find it's more universal than I originally thought, I wonder if I should try and ignore it like most. Or if maybe...? Maybe it can be used to recapture part of the good I used to have. Maybe the drum can be used to engage others for Christ. (I'm aware this is not a new idea, but in the way I'm viewing it, it has new lenses on it.) It's more of a decision. I know the drum beat is not something to fear anymore. I know the restlessness drives me back to God. I know the restlessness comes from not being of this world. So... why not use it to build things that aren't for this world? Why not use it to better understand that the person I was and changed from wasn't a terrible person- just one who lacked clarity and maturity? But so much about her got lost in the shuffle.

Interesting, that I'm just realizing now, there were good things. I was a good friend. I'm not so much anymore. I shut the door on people, before they even have a chance to knock. It's time to break out of the protective little shell I made for myself when I was in crisis. Healing has come. It's time to minister again. It's time to be used for kingdom work again. It's the call of my heart. It's part of the restless drum.

I found myself sharing part of my story with someone that I did not expect to share with. And I kept asking God, while I was saying things, "Are you sure? Can I do this? He's a church person. I don't want church people knowing me. They hurt me last time. Are you sure I can tell my story to this person?" And it was very clear, I was being urged on. I am a sinner, saved by grace. What I have been through does not make God love me any less or extend less grace to me. Eventually, I'm going to have to trust people again. Eventually, what I've been through will need to be shared. It's part of me now. It's part of my testimony. It's how I found God. It's how I changed. It's who I am.

So... deep breath... my newest quest is to find how God wants me to listen to that restless drum and see where he leads me, most specifically, in ministry. I feel he has been preparing my heart. Where will it go from here? What will happen next?

(Do you hear the drum?)