"It feels... like... magic..."

Have I arrived? Have I reached the other side of this long dark tunnel? Have I healed enough to live life again? Have I moved on? Have I done what I need to, so I won't make the same mistakes I made before? Can I live with the regrets I have marked on my soul, never to leave? Can I let go of the anger? The potency of it scares me sometimes, but the fact that I can acknowledge it and say, "Yes! I am ANGRY! I am really angry!" allows me to hope that there is a chance for more healing and growth. And a chance that some day I'll work through it and I won't be so viciously angry anymore. For some months, it consumed me. I was angry about everything- about how unfair life had been, about how he betrayed me, about how I was abandoned by the one person who promised never to leave, who offered me a new beginning and thawed me out from the frozen agony in which I was immobilized, only to walk away when it got too hard. The anger doesn't flash red before my eyes anymore. Well... at least not all the time. Sometimes, it still does... like when I read articles about men who are so caught up in porn, it becomes the other woman in their marriage. When I hear about someone trying to strong-arm his way into a relationship with people who were my friends through everything that happened and how he wants to weave lies about me to them... then the anger roars to life and blazes hot.

But...

I have arrived at the other side of the long dark tunnel. I have healed enough to move on. I am still learning what to do so the same mistakes are not made again. I continue to sacrifice my regrets on the altar of forgiveness. I strive to let go of the anger, every day. Some days it's easier and I'm not angry at all. In fact, I'm happy. Happiness is this warm curling sensation that starts in the pit of my stomach and slowly unfurls until I'm completely encompassed by it. And the amazing thing is, the warmth of that happiness has started to spread through my body, my life, my soul and has slowly taken over. Happiness is fleeting, yes I know this. But this contentedness has permeated the flimsy exterior of my existence. It almost has me scratching my head in wonderment... ("Where did this come from?") Should I really be that surprised? After all, I spent the last year or so of my life attempting to find answers, so I could change. Should I be surprised when change actually shows it's face? Apparently, not. Perhaps, I should just embrace it. Perhaps, I should simply let go and lean back, as if in a warm bath and let it engulf me and overtake me. And just see where the change and the happiness leads. Because there is still hope in the world; there is still love to be found; there is still happiness to alight on the strangest and unlikeliest of circumstances. For me, it sounds like God is up to something... somewhat like what Lucy Pevensie says in Prince Caspian: "It feels... like... magic." right before they are swept away into Narnia once more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANdeKwBcDNM

Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And learn to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?


Jar of Hearts
-Christina Perri

Candidly Honest

Next week is it. Next week is two years. Next week is two years from the start of my new life. I recently had my computer fixed and was without certain files and pictures for a few months, while my friend healed the icky virus in it. And last night, I finally was able to look through these pictures and I was surprised at what I found. I know I was miserable in my life before. I ached with a sense of purposelessness and hated the person I had become to please another. But surprisingly enough, I found some pictures where I saw myself very clearly. I was happy. There were definitely times of happiness. The smiles on my face in these pictures were genuine. I loved my husband. I liked our friendship and that part of our life together. There are certain things about that life that were good. And I think I've gotten so used to remembering the last two years and the battle it was to win the war of my independence, that I forgot- that was a life I chose because I thought it was a good life! I thought it was going to be my ever after...

Those pictures will probably make me wonder for a long time. I was able to delete some, which was in and of itself very therapeutic. And I know the carefree girl from that time is no longer around. I see recent pictures of myself and see the change. I see the maturity, the calm, the reserve... and at times... like last night, I remember her and what it was like to be her. And it makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I wonder how many people make a huge life changing mistake and then have the courage to change it and start anew. Let me tell you... I didn't handle it so well. Oh, it's easy to look back and tell you how I'm different and how hard I've worked to change that girl who while carefree and hope filled, was a control freak, a selfish brat and one who was extremely hard on herself and those around her. But the truth is, I wouldn't bring her back- EVER! She had no idea the road she was setting herself on two years ago when she decided that enough was enough. And it wasn't just that her marriage changed- everything about her changed. Friends, location, employment, church, relationships... martial status was just one chink in the chain of change.

I'd like this to be one of the last posts in which I look back. It probably won't be, but I have this feeling as though I've been living in the past the past few times I've written. And that's not what life is about, because knowing me, if I keep looking back, I'm going to trip on something in front of me and fall flat on my face.... again... and while that might seem like fun to some, I think maybe I should start looking ahead. What answers for life lie ahead? How can I grow in Christ? How shall I make new memories?

June 2008

Empty Blind Faith or the Start of Wisdom?

When I think I haven't changed any, I stop and actually think. And right then, I realize I have changed. I was always one to spout off what I thought without thinking, without stopping, without censoring. And now, I realize, I'm much more cautious. I'm much more reluctant to share just anything with anyone... mostly because I sort of think people could care less, but also because I've learned people use what you say and do against you when you think they won't. Does that make me a cynic? Or does the fact that I've learned to keep my mouth shut mean I've started to learn what wisdom is? I don't know, because many days I simply think I haven't learned anything and I'm still the same person I was two years ago. But then, I can't be! SO much has changed! How could I not change when all around me has become different?

I am no longer stumbling through the dark, careening ever so closely to the cliff, but now, I am cautiously tiptoeing closely around the winding mountain. It's still so dark and some days I see the sun shafts through the trees, but most days, it's like today: cloudy, murky, rainy and wet. Some days the grey suffocates me, threatening to extinguish all thoughts of new change.

And as the angst and the confusion and the disconnect of my life right now hovers ever so closely to the brim, I bow my head, knowing that despite the fact that I can't see the way through the rain, the One who created the rain can and he knows the way. Does that sound like empty blind faith to you? Sometimes I think non-Christians can't understand faith, because sometimes that's all Christians have to offer. When there are no answers, the only thing that's left is the faith that God will be faithful and come through like he's done in the past. But even as one who believes that with every fiber, it's hard to take that as the answer. When God says, "Wait and be patient" much like he is doing these days in my life, I want to shake my fist at him and stomp my feet like the little child I watch. I know that every good thing is only in his time. I know that he is at work, because I feel it. It feels like God is up to something. What on earth it could be, I have no idea. But I know it's something.

So, I think and I ponder- instead of ranting and raving. Instead of spouting off my ideas and launching into some half-baked decision, I wait and pray. My heart beats faster and I'm antsy and anguished at this decision, but it's the best one I know how to make. My choices are no longer my own. I have given them to another, trusting and relying that he will show the way things are ordered and direct the way I need to go, even if the mountain road seems endless, even if I can't see through the rain and murk, even if I feel like I have all the answers... I will wait and pray and rely on Him.

Do not fret about tomorrow, for today has enough worry of it's own.

Winter continues on... I think I may have figured out why people shy away from relationships. As someone who always used to use relationships to define herself, now that my identity is truly and completely rooted in Christ, I find the idea of a romantic relationship deeply troubling. To enter into a world with someone else seems threatening. It seems to threaten the person I have worked so hard to create. Now I know I've had very little to do with it. I would still be a broken shell of a woman if not for God's redeeming love. But to find someone that might be just as formed in their spiritual walk, has similar interests, is as strong in character, love, and passions- why it makes easy to see why half the marriages end in divorce. It's almost easier to simply try and define yourself by someone else. Because actually finding someone who will be balanced and be an equal partner... it's almost impossible! The timing has to be perfect! And those few that might actually be something... there's other fears, like betrayal, pain, and failure, yet again.

I find myself asking... is this really what I want yet?

The funny thing about being somewhat mature in Christ, is that I now know that Christ is in control and I like that. I don't want to try and orchestrate my own future. But... sometimes I forget that I still have to ask him to make himself known to me and the roads I should follow.

So... now, as I see the birds waddle and preen on the electric wire and watch the icicles melt and glissen and glimmer in the sun, I know that God has taken care of the birds and what they are to wear and eat and I am much more than they are. He has promised it so. He is holding my hand, guiding me along, assuring me that his sure steps are the way to go, even if I feel I might fall down.

This is the New Year

Another year you made a promise
another chance to turn it all around
and do not save this for tomorrow
embrace the past and you can live for now
and I will give the world to you

Speak louder that the words before you
and give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
we are the voices of the underground
and I would give the world to you

Say everything you’ve always wanted,
be not afraid of who you really are,
cause in the end we have each other,
and that's at least one thing worth living for,
and I would give the world to you

A million suns that shine upon me
A million eyes you are the brightest blue
Lets tear the walls down that divide us
and build a statue strong enough for two,

I pass it back to you
and I will beat for you,
cause I would give the world
and I would give the world
and I would give the world to you

This is the new year
A new beginning
You made a promise
You are the brightest
We are the voices
This is the new year
We are the voices
This is the new year


-This is the New Year
Ian Axel