Candidly Honest

Next week is it. Next week is two years. Next week is two years from the start of my new life. I recently had my computer fixed and was without certain files and pictures for a few months, while my friend healed the icky virus in it. And last night, I finally was able to look through these pictures and I was surprised at what I found. I know I was miserable in my life before. I ached with a sense of purposelessness and hated the person I had become to please another. But surprisingly enough, I found some pictures where I saw myself very clearly. I was happy. There were definitely times of happiness. The smiles on my face in these pictures were genuine. I loved my husband. I liked our friendship and that part of our life together. There are certain things about that life that were good. And I think I've gotten so used to remembering the last two years and the battle it was to win the war of my independence, that I forgot- that was a life I chose because I thought it was a good life! I thought it was going to be my ever after...

Those pictures will probably make me wonder for a long time. I was able to delete some, which was in and of itself very therapeutic. And I know the carefree girl from that time is no longer around. I see recent pictures of myself and see the change. I see the maturity, the calm, the reserve... and at times... like last night, I remember her and what it was like to be her. And it makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I wonder how many people make a huge life changing mistake and then have the courage to change it and start anew. Let me tell you... I didn't handle it so well. Oh, it's easy to look back and tell you how I'm different and how hard I've worked to change that girl who while carefree and hope filled, was a control freak, a selfish brat and one who was extremely hard on herself and those around her. But the truth is, I wouldn't bring her back- EVER! She had no idea the road she was setting herself on two years ago when she decided that enough was enough. And it wasn't just that her marriage changed- everything about her changed. Friends, location, employment, church, relationships... martial status was just one chink in the chain of change.

I'd like this to be one of the last posts in which I look back. It probably won't be, but I have this feeling as though I've been living in the past the past few times I've written. And that's not what life is about, because knowing me, if I keep looking back, I'm going to trip on something in front of me and fall flat on my face.... again... and while that might seem like fun to some, I think maybe I should start looking ahead. What answers for life lie ahead? How can I grow in Christ? How shall I make new memories?

June 2008