Have I arrived? Have I reached the other side of this long dark tunnel? Have I healed enough to live life again? Have I moved on? Have I done what I need to, so I won't make the same mistakes I made before? Can I live with the regrets I have marked on my soul, never to leave? Can I let go of the anger? The potency of it scares me sometimes, but the fact that I can acknowledge it and say, "Yes! I am ANGRY! I am really angry!" allows me to hope that there is a chance for more healing and growth. And a chance that some day I'll work through it and I won't be so viciously angry anymore. For some months, it consumed me. I was angry about everything- about how unfair life had been, about how he betrayed me, about how I was abandoned by the one person who promised never to leave, who offered me a new beginning and thawed me out from the frozen agony in which I was immobilized, only to walk away when it got too hard. The anger doesn't flash red before my eyes anymore. Well... at least not all the time. Sometimes, it still does... like when I read articles about men who are so caught up in porn, it becomes the other woman in their marriage. When I hear about someone trying to strong-arm his way into a relationship with people who were my friends through everything that happened and how he wants to weave lies about me to them... then the anger roars to life and blazes hot.
But...
I have arrived at the other side of the long dark tunnel. I have healed enough to move on. I am still learning what to do so the same mistakes are not made again. I continue to sacrifice my regrets on the altar of forgiveness. I strive to let go of the anger, every day. Some days it's easier and I'm not angry at all. In fact, I'm happy. Happiness is this warm curling sensation that starts in the pit of my stomach and slowly unfurls until I'm completely encompassed by it. And the amazing thing is, the warmth of that happiness has started to spread through my body, my life, my soul and has slowly taken over. Happiness is fleeting, yes I know this. But this contentedness has permeated the flimsy exterior of my existence. It almost has me scratching my head in wonderment... ("Where did this come from?") Should I really be that surprised? After all, I spent the last year or so of my life attempting to find answers, so I could change. Should I be surprised when change actually shows it's face? Apparently, not. Perhaps, I should just embrace it. Perhaps, I should simply let go and lean back, as if in a warm bath and let it engulf me and overtake me. And just see where the change and the happiness leads. Because there is still hope in the world; there is still love to be found; there is still happiness to alight on the strangest and unlikeliest of circumstances. For me, it sounds like God is up to something... somewhat like what Lucy Pevensie says in Prince Caspian: "It feels... like... magic." right before they are swept away into Narnia once more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANdeKwBcDNM
But...
I have arrived at the other side of the long dark tunnel. I have healed enough to move on. I am still learning what to do so the same mistakes are not made again. I continue to sacrifice my regrets on the altar of forgiveness. I strive to let go of the anger, every day. Some days it's easier and I'm not angry at all. In fact, I'm happy. Happiness is this warm curling sensation that starts in the pit of my stomach and slowly unfurls until I'm completely encompassed by it. And the amazing thing is, the warmth of that happiness has started to spread through my body, my life, my soul and has slowly taken over. Happiness is fleeting, yes I know this. But this contentedness has permeated the flimsy exterior of my existence. It almost has me scratching my head in wonderment... ("Where did this come from?") Should I really be that surprised? After all, I spent the last year or so of my life attempting to find answers, so I could change. Should I be surprised when change actually shows it's face? Apparently, not. Perhaps, I should just embrace it. Perhaps, I should simply let go and lean back, as if in a warm bath and let it engulf me and overtake me. And just see where the change and the happiness leads. Because there is still hope in the world; there is still love to be found; there is still happiness to alight on the strangest and unlikeliest of circumstances. For me, it sounds like God is up to something... somewhat like what Lucy Pevensie says in Prince Caspian: "It feels... like... magic." right before they are swept away into Narnia once more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANdeKwBcDNM
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