Empty Blind Faith or the Start of Wisdom?

When I think I haven't changed any, I stop and actually think. And right then, I realize I have changed. I was always one to spout off what I thought without thinking, without stopping, without censoring. And now, I realize, I'm much more cautious. I'm much more reluctant to share just anything with anyone... mostly because I sort of think people could care less, but also because I've learned people use what you say and do against you when you think they won't. Does that make me a cynic? Or does the fact that I've learned to keep my mouth shut mean I've started to learn what wisdom is? I don't know, because many days I simply think I haven't learned anything and I'm still the same person I was two years ago. But then, I can't be! SO much has changed! How could I not change when all around me has become different?

I am no longer stumbling through the dark, careening ever so closely to the cliff, but now, I am cautiously tiptoeing closely around the winding mountain. It's still so dark and some days I see the sun shafts through the trees, but most days, it's like today: cloudy, murky, rainy and wet. Some days the grey suffocates me, threatening to extinguish all thoughts of new change.

And as the angst and the confusion and the disconnect of my life right now hovers ever so closely to the brim, I bow my head, knowing that despite the fact that I can't see the way through the rain, the One who created the rain can and he knows the way. Does that sound like empty blind faith to you? Sometimes I think non-Christians can't understand faith, because sometimes that's all Christians have to offer. When there are no answers, the only thing that's left is the faith that God will be faithful and come through like he's done in the past. But even as one who believes that with every fiber, it's hard to take that as the answer. When God says, "Wait and be patient" much like he is doing these days in my life, I want to shake my fist at him and stomp my feet like the little child I watch. I know that every good thing is only in his time. I know that he is at work, because I feel it. It feels like God is up to something. What on earth it could be, I have no idea. But I know it's something.

So, I think and I ponder- instead of ranting and raving. Instead of spouting off my ideas and launching into some half-baked decision, I wait and pray. My heart beats faster and I'm antsy and anguished at this decision, but it's the best one I know how to make. My choices are no longer my own. I have given them to another, trusting and relying that he will show the way things are ordered and direct the way I need to go, even if the mountain road seems endless, even if I can't see through the rain and murk, even if I feel like I have all the answers... I will wait and pray and rely on Him.