Transformation

The view outside my window is one that is seared on my memory. The way the tall evergreen in the background is partially covered by the pine tree and the pane of the window creates a frame- like a perfect picture. I had dreams of this view, long before I was here. The saffron carpet from just a few weeks ago has given way to naked branches of winter, shuddering in the wind, their canopy of shade lost to the gusts. And today, the first white snowflakes grazed my cheek. I had to pause to make sure I saw them and then to my utter delight, I felt their delicious tingle on my face. For whatever reason though, once I'm past the first snow, winter fills me with bleakness, mourning and reminds me of things dying. (Morbid, right?) Spring fills me with joy, hope and a feeling of well-being, after months of cold, despair and hibernation. It's like my soul goes into hiding after the first snow and then at some point when the sun starts to shine a little stronger and the wind doesn't bluster on so much, I feel a slight thaw. My hearts starts to warm. This happens every year, but this year, after struggling so much to make my life springtime again, the tentacles of winter have grasped me rather ruthlessly. But... as cliche as it sounds, life is so much more beautiful after a long winter of emptiness, of barrenness, of loss, of pain, of nakedness (of the soul).

And now, as the chill closes in, I remember how far I've come and how far I have yet to go. And so, I return to the everlasting arms who know perfect peace, who know strength and can surround and protect from any storm. My faith is the only thing that has remained and so why should I doubt it now? Rebuilding takes the strongest of hearts. Moving on is only challenging when one keeps looking back. Growth is only possibly after a long period of dormancy. So... again, it is time to move forward with small baby steps, knowing that the answers and the change will continue to come if sought after with a pure desire for transformation.

Hemmed In

Hemmed In

Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn't her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even.

He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul - and ours - that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching; she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.

Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes;
I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Hosea 2:6-7

Jesus has to thwart us too - thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh, we might turn to him for our "salvation," for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our heart remains broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.

And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman's life hemming her in. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which is not life at all.

Captivating- John and Stasi Elderidge

A Life I Thought I Knew

So, I went back to a place from my past this past week for Thanksgiving. I was very trepidatious about going back to this place, because it was one that was marred with grief, loss, pain, suffering and a whole slew other chaotic emotions that I still am working through. It was at the request of a nine year old boy that I went and for that reason and that reason alone, I am glad I went. His parents never told him I was coming, so when I showed up on the doorstep, he was amazed that I was there. And that's how it should be. Children should know their dreams can come true in tangible ways. It's something I never really had and always longed for; I vowed the children in my life would be able to dream and gainfully grasp their dreams. But I digress...

While I was at this place, I was careful to not visit places that had painful memories or would make me think of certain people or specific memories. I wanted to make sure this visit was about love, friendship, caring, and new memories- all the things that it hadn't been when I left. And it was. They were some of the sweetest days I've had in the last two years. It was like I had never left. I fit back into this family like I had always been there. There was no awkwardness or confusion- just puzzle pieces finally together after months of searching.  If a person ever feels unloved, he or she should spend time with children. They are the truest version of unconditional love one can find on this earth.

I am so glad I went, but coming home to where I now call home has been a difficult transition. And when I say difficult, I mean that I have not felt this much pain or confusion or aching in many months. Today, I finally figured it out. After days of listless misunderstandings in my head and a knot in my stomach, I finally figured it out. My life there is gone. Completely and wholly gone. The person I was when I was there is gone and I'm glad for it, but to know that a life I loved and created was finished, brought a fresh pain and ache to my heart. I'm not sure I'm explaining it well or if I even understand why this concept was the one that brought me to tears when I identified it. But it is simply one more loss that I know I have to accept and shoulder and move on. But oh! What agony! To accept that I have lost so much! I know I have lost a lot and understand that from day to day, but this was a smack upside the head- a painful reminder of just how much is gone from before.

And the thing that is so odd, is that I fit into life there without any trouble. I still knew my way around; I still saw familiar faces; I still felt like life was worth living there. It felt like it was my life. It fit. But then as soon as I arrived home, there was a void for a life I used to have that doesn't exist anymore. Certain pieces of my life are still there- such as the people I knew, but still...

So... I write about it, because that's what I do, knowing that the pain will pass if time is given enough time.  I write to try and make sense of it all, because it's the only way that the emotions actually make any sort of sense.

A Warning Sign

A warning sign 
I missed the good part then I realised 
That I started looking and the bubble burst 
I started looking for excuses 
Come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in 
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones 
That I started looking for a warning sign 

When the truth is 
I miss you 
Yeah the truth is 
That I miss you so 

A warning sign 
You came back to haunt me and I realised 
That you were an island and I passed you by 
When you were an island to discover 
Come on in, I've got to tell you what a state I'm in 
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones 
That I started looking for a warning sign 

And the truth is 
I miss you 
Yeah the truth is 
I miss you so 
And I'm tired 
I should not have let you go 

So I crawl back into your open arms 
Yes I crawl back into your open arms 
And I crawl back into your open arms 
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

-A Warning Sign
Coldplay

Photobooth

I remember when the days were long,
And the nights when the living room was on the lawn.
Constant quarreling, the childish fits, and our clothes in a pile on the ottoman.
All the slander and double-speak 
Were only foolish attempts to show you did not mean
Anything but the blatant proof was your lips touching mine in the photobooth.

And as the summer's ending, 
The cool air will put your hard heart away.
You were so condescending..
And this is all that's left:
Scraping paper to document.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.

Cup your mouth to compress the sound,
Skinny dipping with the kids from a nearby town.
And everything that I said was true,
As the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.
Well, I lost track, and then those words were said.
You took the wheel and you steered us into my bed.
Soon we woke and I walked you home,
And it was pretty clear that it was hardly love.

And as the summer's ending, 
The cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending.
And this is all that's left:
Scraping paper to document.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.

And as the summer's ending,
The cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
As the alcohol drained the days.

And as the summer's ending,
The cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending.
And this is all that's left:
The empty bottles, spent cigarettes.
So pack a change of clothes, 'cause it's time to move on. 


-Photobooth
Death Cab For Cutie

Captivated

When I look into the mountains
I see Your fame
When I look into the night's sky
It sparkles Your name

The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
That's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

When I wake unto the morning
It gives me Your sight
When I look across the ocean
It echoes Your might

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me
That's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

'Cause I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me

The blood in my veins and my heart You invade
The plants how they grow and the trees and their shade
The way that I feel and love in my soul
I thank you my God for letting me, letting me know

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

'Cause I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated


Shawn McDonald
Captivated

The choice to be at rest

So, without going into a whole lot of detail, I have come to the conclusion that the person I was a year ago is gone, and the person I was two years ago is completely and utterly unrecognizable to the person I am today. I still like the some of the same music and yet, I have found new music that speaks to me just as clearly. I love 400 thread count sateen sheets and a soft mattress- something I found out after not having my own bed or my own place to live for a year and a half. I ache for a life I thought I wanted, but I'm slowly realizing that where I am now is without a shadow of a doubt where I am supposed to be. And I now understand that the depth of my anger is far greater than I was willing to accept, but after talking and seeing people from my past, I realize I am dealing with it in a far different manner than I could be. The mere fact that I am identifying the anger and coming to terms with it sets me apart from the people in my past. It grieves me incredibly to see the way their anger has eaten them up and overtaken them. Please don't think I'm trying to sound better than they are. That is not the point of this. The point is, I have struggled to see whether healthy emotional progress has been made in my life and I haven't seen it. I have difficulty being objective in my own life. But after a few encounters in the past couple of weeks, I see I have changed. I see that the journey toward healthy living is slowly emerging. I see that the steps I am taking now are moving me closer to relationship with Jesus and I see that that change could not have come about without complete and utter surrender to the Holy Spirit and his actions in my life.

Am I still broken? Yes, of course. Am I still in pain? Yes, of course. And yet, the answers I have looked for my whole life are finally becoming clear. Trust- true trust is beginning to flow through my body. Mercy and grace are becoming ways and acts of life. Acceptance of myself and others is beginning to flow out of my words and actions. I'm no longer scrambling to pick up the pieces of life, because I have the assured faith that Christ is at the center of all of the pieces and fully capable of putting all of them together in exactly the way they need to be put together. I don't have to try so hard to do what I'm not meant to. I can rest in his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And after the last two years of my life where complete and profane chaos has reigned, the idea of rest soothes my soul and calms my anxious, weary heart.

So now... the next step in finding answers... to rest in His holy, unchanging steadfastness, to build a heart of love and compassion. To be able to stop striving to be what I'm not and allow God to work in the ways he still needs to. And be at rest.

Mighty to Save

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. 

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. 

My Saviour, you can move the mountains,
You are mighty to save,
You are mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation,
You rose and conquered the grave,
Yes you conquered the grave

-Laura Story

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
Is sinking sand, is sinking sand
So I stand.




In Christ Alone
Songwriters: Getty, Julian Keith; Townend, Stuart Richard

It's not that I haven't had anything to say...

It's not that I haven't had anything to say... it's that I haven't known how. I set out on a quest to find answers. And holy cow, I'm finding them. I'm finding them in the lessons I'm learning and I'm finding that I have the answers when I don't think I do. And even better, I have a peace about them. With the answers I keep finding in the most unusual places, I find myself growing stronger. I can actually feel the strength returning to my body- to my heart, to my decisions, to my relationships. I no longer feel like that babe in the woods, barely able to walk, never mind find her way through the thicket safely without running into danger. Even today, I don't feel like a small child. Today for the first time, I feel like an adult, who has made decisions and had decisions made out of her control, and still accepted them for the reality that they were. I know I still have a ways to go, for life is a full journey- full of unexpectedness and hiccups- but my heart is at rest. My heart can finally rest in God. I'm finally letting it. And now, my prayer is that beauty will start to flow from it.

Something more....

You know... after the week I've had, you would think I would have something to write about. You would think I would have something meaningful to tell people, but I have come to the conclusion that while I am an introvert, I really do like interaction with some people. I'm going slightly crazy when the most interesting conversation I've had all day is with a four year old. And I've started to realize that when I talk about my job, it's what others do for their life. I have some great stay-at-home mom friends and I realize, my job mirrors in a lot of ways, their daily lives. And I find when I'm talking about my job, I'm thinking in the back of my head, I need something more. I ache for something more. Nannying is great right now. It really really is. It's good- good enough, for now. But I can't imagine my whole life being about staying at home with the kids. I'm not saying that I think it's not worth it for those who do it. Trust me, the women in my life who do it are some of the most amazing women I know. What I am saying is that I have always wondered if I would be fine staying at home with my children and maybe it will be different, but right now, I ache for something more. I look forward to the time when I can be at a job that is really the heartbeat of what I want to do with my life. And again, don't get me wrong, I love my job. And I'm not looking to change anything about my life and it's current state. No way! I've waited too long to get to this place. But... there is still a part of me that is saying, "this is only temporary." And I was talking to someone lately who without meaning to, started 20 Questions about my future. And I flipped! On the outside, I was still calm and composed and I attempted to answer his questions. But on the inside, I was scrambling, like, "what if this answer isn't good enough?" or "oh my gosh, I actually don't know how to answer this." And I realized this week, I should probably figure out the answers to those questions. Maybe not completely, but as my friend suggested, perhaps I should set some goals for myself to make the direction I think I want to go in, the direction I'm actually headed toward.

The Petulant Child

My best friend said something to me recently. She said, "to be in relationship with adults, you have to be one." Simple, right? But I find myself continually returning to childish ways and frustrations, and then find myself becoming all the more frustrated, seeing as I'm acting childish. It's this division in myself that I'm not quite sure I yet understand. I think it leads back to the section in Romans when the apostle Paul talks about the fact that he does the things he does not want- in fact he says he does what he HATES, when he would rather do what he wants- which is what is right and good and true. And I understand that what he is speaking of is sin and what I wrestle with currently is not a sinful situation, but I do know that the childish behaviors when indulged could lead to sin. So... I wrestle. And I attempt to make different choices, which I hope will lead to different results and different outcomes. I attempt to make healthier decisions, which I hope will lead to a stronger person, a more mature person. But the petulant child is camped out right next door, stomping her foot and scrunching her face in total defiance of the whole process I have been putting myself through... In total disbelief that I would dare to change myself... in total disregard for the fact that I have not accepted no as a lifestyle and refuse to stop growing into the person I know I am meant to be.... oh she is right there... some days she is louder. And some days, I can't even hear her. Today... today she is rather loud and obnoxious.

So... for now... I put her to bed, hoping that tomorrow, her voice of doubt and disbelief, mockery and self-disgust will have faded into the abyss in which she normally resides, and that the woman I have created and carved out of so much adversity will shine through and offer grace and mercy to those around her.

World of Words

A friend of mine asked on facebook what it is to be a writer, and while I have yet to reply to his thread, it is something I have given much thought, both recently and in months and years past. For me, being a writer is having this "itch" that can only be soothed through writing: this irrepressible need to express the storm inside, the thoughts and feelings brimming to the top and about to spill over... I have always had a love relationship with words. I find them fascinating and love seeing how they work together to form a sentence. I notice their nuances and their structure, and I'm always searching for just the right word for just the right sentence or phrase.

A song with good lyrics is still a good song. It takes a lot for me to say that, since I'm a huge music person as well and won't listen to a song that's off key. But words crafted together with beautiful notes is one of the best things in life. Music spun together like a breeze and words brought together as a conduit of communication thrills my heart.

So... in my world, the daily "itch" is not likened to something "else", but rather the desire and longing to create a world of words and music that speaks to those around me. Words that pierce the soul and make the reader reach out for more...

God Renovates Our Souls

God must break through several hard, exterior barriers in our lives before He can renovate our souls. His persistent goal is to break through to the inner person. What are those resistant layers in our hearts, and how does He break through to that hidden part? First, he finds pride. And He uses the sand paper of obscurity to remove it ever so gradually. Then He finds us gripped by fear- dread of our past, anxiety over our present and the terror over what may lie ahead- and He uses the passing of time to remove that fear. We learn that things aren't out of hand at all; they're in His hand. He next encounters the barrier of resentment- the tyranny of bitterness. He breaks down that layer with solitude. In the silence of His presence, we gain a fresh perspective, gradually release out cherished rights, and let go of the expectations that held us hostage.


"Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom." -Psalm 51:6


-Charles Swindoll
Wisdom for the Way

Diapers, wipes, cheerios, oh my!

I'm not sure when my life became about diapers and play groups and which baby puffs are the best, but it's like I've become a mother overnight, without any of the trepidation or anxiety of looking forward to a new birth. I love my job- don't get me wrong, but this new life of mine is one I find myself musing about quite a bit. I mean, I look after another woman's children for a living, knowing full well that they could be mine. I'm of the correct age, the "proper" place in my life for that sort of thing and yet, they aren't mine. And the more and more I've thought about it, I'm okay with it. I did expect to be in this place at this point in my life, but I'm not. So... again, I see that the reality that life actually gives us from the choices we actually make, is a lot different than the "reality" we thought we would make in the life we were given. So... for now, I explore diapers.com with enthusiasm, feed the psycho little dog her pills with cheese and fold little people's laundry, knowing that some day, the choices I make in these days will bring about a different "reality" than I now experience.

Reflective

The changing seasons always make me reflective. As the air turns from warm and sticky to cool and windy or the first smell of spring drifts in on the cold tentacles of winter, I look to the sky and search for meaning in the changing of times. I realize I have lived, and yet on most days it seems like the world has passed me by and I forgot to make an impression on the time that was given to me. So many of my days find me surrounded by people, noise and commotion and on the ones where the silence assails me, I always have to adjust and remember how to embrace it. I love the solitude. I love the rest that comes from being alone. But I always forget until I have stumbled into it.

And so... today as I have transitioned into silence, since I have spent the day with myself, I remember the joy of being with others and the fact that God calls us to commune not only with him, but the reason he has put us on this earth with others is to connect and be with them. As someone who finds herself restored while alone, there is something to be said for establishing deep, resourceful friendships, relationships and ongoing conversations. So, today, I challenge myself to create these "ships" in order to design a fuller, more complete human being. What I'm suggesting may not seem like much to some. To create new friends comes so easy to some and I used to be like them. But after it seems as if the whole world has turned away, it makes trusting a little bit harder; it makes sharing with others difficult. So, I have to think on how to do it. I have to remember what it is to be in relationship with others.

I have attached a collage I made. There are still spots open. There are still spaces in my life that need to be filled. All of the people in this collage are people who I hold close to my heart and long to have relationship with. Some are in my life still and some are not. For some the fact that they are no longer in my daily existence is a good thing; for some it is the outcome of circumstances I wish could be different. Regardless, the people in those pictures have impacted my life in some way- in some unique way. Each of them holds a lesson that I have learned in this life of mine, most in the past couple of years. So... I leave spots open. For those who have yet to come, for those who are on the precipice of my life- I leave blank spaces for them to fill... for new memories to be made....

Lead Me

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone




Sanctus Real
-Lead Me